Im in love with who my ex used to be.

My ex and I broke up two months ago. But we spend all of Christmas break together as friends. His new person was away with family for the holidays.

At the start of our relationship i was the most important thing in his life. Or atleast thats how he made me feel. We were 17, and now we are 22 best friends since we were 13. He sold his stuff just to buy my a necklace and he would skip basketball practice just to spend time with me. (This was a big deal because he loved basketball)

Then adult life started happening. He went to school and started a career. He hated it. He felt like he was just being “shit on at work.” His personality changed. He had no patience and he was angry and when he had time for me he wasn’t mentally there. He never did anything physically harmful. But mentally i just felt like i was his annoying problem or responsibility. He blamed me for things that i wasn’t doing. He just felt that way when he came to visit me after work and school. At some point he associated his feeling of not being good enough in school and work, with me. He thought i was the cause of his confidence issues. (Which i would find out later after 3 weeks of me blaming myself for everything after the breakup)

Its like the person i knew and loved and cherished above everything, died. But his face and his body is still here. And i want to hold his hand, and hug him, and kiss him. But its not HIM. And it kills me every time i see him. But he’s still my best friend. And i couldn’t cut him out of my life.

But i don’t know how to act around him anymore. I tried to be normal and ended up just being mean to him in-front of our friends. Or completely avoiding him. But when we are alone I’m completely fine. But he’s the opposite. Suddenly just seeing his name pop up on my phone gave me such bad anxiety attacks.

Eventually, my friends sat me down and took turns yelling at me. Telling me i cant just be friends with him now. Which i finally understood.

I told him, and he was so upset. Like he was upset that i couldn’t handle being friends. But he understood after awhile. We decided after new years that we were gonna cut each other out of our lives for a bit. Until we’re both ready. We had the most heart breaking goodbye embrace and we both cried. I’ve never felt so much pain. But i had to be done.

But I’m scared. Of making memories without him. I don’t want to forget how special he is. I don’t want to treat him like he wasn’t the biggest thing in my life. I wont be seeing him for 6 months or more. But I’m so worried. That when we see each other again we wont be important to each other anymore.

But also how do you deal with such a loss? Feeling like somebody died but he’s still walking around dating other people. The same face same body but not the same person. Its so confusing. I would really love some advice that will help me get through the next few months. Il be in school and working to keep me busy. But theres a nagging empty feeling in my heart and i just miss him. As a friend but i miss the person i was in love with as well. And I’m so confused and i don’t have my best friend to talk to.