Depression

It’s been a while since I’ve been this depressed. The past few days I have just been feeling really empty and not wanting to do anything. I keep wanting to die but I have no intention of actually killing myself. I just feel as if life if meaningless and nothing I do makes me happy. At the same time I feel really bitter and jealous of other people who seem to have at least something good about them. Lately I’ve come to a self realization that there is literally not one thing about me that’s extremely good. I don’t look good, I’m not smart or particularly good at one subject, nor do I have a talent for anything, I don’t have a good personality, I’m not mentally stable, I don’t have any friends, I don’t have good grades, I don’t have a good relationship with my parents, I don’t have anything. Maybe I’m just being ungrateful?

I told myself a few years ago the only thing I wanted in life was to be happy, but happiness is so difficult to achieve. What’s the point in struggling everyday if I can never achieve happiness? Maybe I’m just doing it wrong or focusing on the wrong things? I told myself once I got into college I would focus on improving myself more but I feel like so far it’s just a repeat of my high school years. I don’t know how to change nor do I know how to motivate myself to go through each day anymore.