I really thought I was going to be ok today

I got my first AF since TTC after losing my sweet boy at 23 weeks. I told myself it wasn’t gonna happen the first month. I told myself it was going to take time. It took us 6 years of NTNP to get our beautiful surprise. I even joked about having my beer waiting for me in the fridge the minute I saw blood. But I’m not ok. My SO is out of town so I’m all alone in my house. I made plans with a friend so I wouldn’t have to eat dinner alone. But I’m not ok. I know this may just never happen again and I tell myself it will be ok. I have one amazing 15 yr old son and a SO that really is the best guy I’ve ever met. I know we will have a great life even if it doesn’t happen. But I’m not ok. I miss him so much!! I feel so guilty!! I hurt so bad!!! I want it all to just have been a bad dream!!! I miss him so much!!!