Trigger warning, i just need to express myself because I'm bottling this up. Nobody will understand and if you take the time to read this, thank you.

I have been dealing with an eating disorder since I was 10 years old and I started getting better at 17. I'm in my 20s and still fighting it.

You know how you can get calluses from friction on your skin. The skin basically gets tougher..

That's what I imagine is my eating disorder right now. I'm the thing causing friction by trying to beat it, and it's grown a callus so that it's harder for me to fight it.

I am realizing that it can actually sneak up on you. Eating disorders are something you deal with your entire life, even when you are better. And I feel like I'm still learning about it. I have probably had two bites of food in the last 5 days and today my blood sugar dropped and I almost passed out.

I didn't realize I was starving myself until that point. And eating now..is like swallowing glass because my stomach shrunk. I take a few bites of something and it feels like my stomach is being cut open.

Then I had a panic attack because I ate.

I can tell myself to get over it, is doesn't work. I still panic. I have to eat so my blood sugar doesn't drop and it's hard to get myself to stop chewing a slice of cheese and swallow it. It's like my mind is fighting back. It's like the eating disorder is a totally different person in my head that i barely know anymore, who is pissed because i took away their freedom for so long. I feel like my mind is attacking itself.

I will be getting help soon. Dealing with the stress of this is too much for me and I need help. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through.