At a loss...

This may end up being a long story, but I just need to get it out. My best friend, of nearly 10 years, has been having a really tough time in life. I haven't seen her in almost a year, because I needed to distance myself for my own health and happiness, but we are still always there for each other through a text or a phone call.

A little backstory to understand the situation.. maybe 2 years ago she and her boyfriend became addicted to crystal meth, as was most of his family, among other drugs. Eventually I found myself in the grips of the drug too. She was losing everything and I saw it starting to happen to me too. I had to remove myself from her and pretty much the whole state to get clean and to get better for me. My friend and her boyfriend had their 3 kids taken away from them, which was absolutely for the better. Not that they were inherently bad parents, but the drugs, as they have a way of doing, took over their lives. My friend's mother and brother took guardianship over the kids so they could have stability. They had been fighting to progress in life but things only got worse. The two of them were homeless and lived in a tent in the woods, lost their jobs, and most of their family and friends. She has had mental health issues since I've known her. We both self-harm. She went to jail for a few months for theft trying to afford food. Once she was released, they were in a car accident, t-boned by a tracker trailer which spun a bunch of other things out of wack. It was just bad news after bad news for them.

I know that they are grown adults. I know that they have caused much of their own pain. I know they must face the consequences to their actions. But it's just impossible, for me, to not have sympathy for these human beings. How much pain, hurt, stress can a person take without feeling defeated and wondering what's the point of going on. This is how many of our conversations have gone. The bad news, the questioning why her, the tears, me trying to talk her off the edge. It's always exhausting.

Recently they had been making strides to get their lives together. Although they were still homeless, they were sober, proved by many drug tests done by CPS for the past few months. Her boyfriend had gotten a job, and they could afford a motel a few nights a week instead of staying in the woods.. she is also 5 months pregnant with baby number 4. But still, the absolute worst was yet to come. Last night at 230am I got a call from my friend, she was hysterical. Her boyfriend of 8 years and the father of her 4 children overdosed on heroin in the motel. He had had substance abuse issues since his teens, and in the almost decade that I knew him he would relapse, he would get clean, he would endure the struggle for his family and his babies. And the cycle would repeat. I had been there for his sobriety and his high days. I had done drugs with him and tried to help him stop. I've been the fellow addict, the enabler, the voice of reason. For more than just him. He couldn't get out. His mother, sisters, girlfriend, childhood friends, cousins, they were all addicts. I've heard him countless times telling himself he was done getting high, he knew every reason why he shouldn't. He knew every reason why he did anyway.

My heart is breaking right now over him, for her, for my neices and nephew that have lost their daddy. For his baby that he'll never get to meet. For his family, for his nephews that will miss their Uncle and have a permanent ache in their hearts, as we all will. He was a good person, even with all his demons he was loving, kind, protective, supportive. He was a good fucking person and should still be here.

I don't know what to say to my friend. I know I cant fix her pain with words. I also know I can't (or at least am really struggling to) go see her. My anxiety is skyrocketing thinking about having to see her for his funeral, thinking I should see her before that. I feel like I should be there right now, but I don't have extra money for gas to get there at the moment and I also have work responsibilities. Which are real reasons, but they just feel like excuses. If I do go, having to leave her, without the one person she had left to help her, is just as heartbreaking. I don't know if I'll have to leave her pregnant and alone on the streets, while I return to my comfortable home with my boyfriends parents. I cant bring her back with me. Her own family has nearly disowned her, they let her come for visitation of her kids but it's always a tense situation with her mother and brother. They are not very forgiving people. I think they have run out of empathy because they are the ones putting in the work raising her children. Which is understandable, but so sad for all parties involved. Her boyfriends family hates her, most of them are also addicts themselves and have very little. I think they will tolerate her for a short time as they will all be grieving together, that's where she is now. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone. As much of a mess as she is, I still care about her. I am aunt to her children. Godmother to her son, I was in the room for two of her children's births and watched them all learn and grow into little people with their own personalities. Before drugs and all of our decisions to take this dark path tore everything apart they were my family. They loved me unconditionally, and I them.

I know the best thing I can do for her is to be present. But it's also the worst thing I can do for myself. I don't know what to do. I have a fear that shes going to try to kill herself, she has threatened countless times. But now I think she truly may be at the end of her rope.

I'm not sure what I'm posting this for. It's just all too crazy and almost unfathomable. I think I need to just suck it up and put my anxiety to the side. Although, those with anxiety know that it can feel like you're dying when it takes hold of you. I feel paralyzed by knowing I need to get there and not feeling strong enough and panicking just thinking about it. I don't know what to do, how to help, how to grieve there's so many emotions going on right now. She has been texting me this morning, in between being with his family. I know she wants me there. But if I were to go, I don't know how I'm going to leave her there when she has nothing left and nowhere to go. Am I a terrible person if I don't go see her? What if she asks to come back with me? As much as I love her, I cant have her around me, which is why I haven't seen her in so long. I feel like such a shit person for even having this debate with myself. My anxiety feels irrelevant to her pain but it is just so consuming. I just don't know what to do. . .

ps. Please keep any judgemental comments about substance abuse to yourself. Unless you have been in the situation you cannot imagine how drugs can take ahold of and destroy your life in a very short time and how out of control things can get. No one is tougher on yourself than you, which is 100% true for my friend. Everyone has regrets, everyone makes mistakes. Some are just more painful than others. Kind words are truly appreciated, please.