I just don’t know...

So I posted anonymously because this just happened and I’m still trying to figure it out. I’m married my husband is gone right now for a while and we are having a lot of issues. I went out with my girls the other night to just blow off steam have some drinks and fun. I saw this guy I used to talk too and he started talking to me and catching up. When I left he called me over and over trying to get me to pick him up I refused cause I was drunk and was not going to drive. He was very aggressive over the phone. So last night he called me up said he was having ppl over and that I should come I kept saying I was tired but he wouldn’t take no for an answer and I eventually gave in. I realize how everything looks cause I am married butladies my husband has been making me feel like I’m nothing so I guess it just felt good to bewanted ? I don’t know I’m already ashamed at this point. So I go and no one is there literally no one and I can smell the alcohol on his breath. I instantly get nervous but he said they were on the way. So we sit on the couch and talk a bit again then he said he had to go upstairs to get something and he wanted to show me his friends dog that he lived with so I went cause I love dogs and I’m an idiot. He takes me to his room and closes the door and shuts the lights off I asked what he was doing and he kisses me hard I immediately was shocked but I didn’t turn away yet he took his clothes off then told me to take mine off. I didn’t but I sat on the bed cause he was standing on the other side of the room. He came over and took my pants off and literally went straight in. I was honestly so scared I felt numb I literally felt numb. He kept going and going and would tell me to shut up, shit the fuck up and put his hand over my mouth. I would push him off every now and then but he would come right back. I was so scared to say anything and I wanted to cry so bad. Eventually he was so drunk he couldn’t get it up anymore and I made an excuse to leave. He kept saying things like just very aggressive and getting mad at me I kept apologizing for no reaSon cause I was so scared he was going to do something else. At first he didn’t let me but he was tired I could tell so he didn’t keep fighting me. I don’t know if I can call this rape cause I feel like I didn’t do enough to stop it. I feel so ashamed i cried the whole way home. How could I have been so stupid? I don’t know how I’m going to tell my husband I’m so scared too he doesn’t even return for another month. Will he believe me or just think I cheated? I don’t even know but I’m so sore today and I just keep replaying it and I just hate myself. I’m sorry for the long post I just needed to get this out please no judging I already wanna die.