I despise myself

So, i’ve never liked my body. I live in a country where almost all women all short and somewhat curvy. I’m way taller than most women and i’m not really fat nor overweight, but not the skinniest in the world. I feel like everywhere I go, people look at me too much, and idk why but i dont like it. I’ve struggled with orthorexia, disordered eating, intense body image issues, depression, OCD, etc. I keep telling myself positive things about myself, trying to change my mindset on all of this, but I just really can’t convince myself. Honestly, i haven’t been eating well the past few days and i don’t feel energized at all. I debate every day between what i really physically need and what my mind thinks i need. But really at the end of the day, i never know what to eat or when. Its such a struggle and i feel like its all crumbling down. I literally hate looking at myself in the mirror, so when i go to wash my hands or teeth in the bathroom i never look at the mirror, afraid of seeing something i dont like. I hate having to take a shower every day since it requires to be naked, and i hate it. I have an extreme fear of gaining weight. I really dont understand myself. Please let me know what you all think.