*trigger warning* help.

I dont have alot of people to talk to about this so here I am venting because I need some advice.

I have a past of harming myself and I have been years clean. but recently alot of things have been going on and Ive been so overwhelmed and all my thoughts are coming back and i can feel myself slipping into this dark place where I used to be. My arms literally itch because i want to so bad. Im having such bad thoughts now too and Ive only been eating once a day if that. ive become addicted to seeing the number on the scale go down. i feel like i deserve hunger pains since i cant harm myself any other way. I just feel so shitty and i cant fucking shake it.