So I’ve been raised in a somewhat Christian family. Somewhat meaning we go to church and my dad and one of my sisters is really religious but the rest of my sisters kinda aren’t but whatever.

I go to church on sundays and i read like a little snippet of the Bible when I’m not being lazy. I’m trying to change that because sometimes i need to think about what if i died tomorrow. Or just in general i feel like i need to become a better Christian—an actual Christian, not just a person who goes to church on Sunday’s.

When i started dating my boyfriend two years ago i was that “purity/no sexualness until marriage” type of girl. And you know over time of being in a relationship that just changed. that purity thing is basically out the window. we haven’t had SEX but we’ve engaged in sexual activity. Some days i would come home and feel so regretful and other days i wouldn’t give a darn. Some days I would just wanna cry and beg God to forgive me and other days i would ask what’s the problem if I’m in love with him?

I am so regretful. So regretful. I know we haven’t actually had sex but i feel like I’ve given part of myself to my boyfriend. And everything we’ve done we’ve done gradually (rather than all at once like when you’re finally married). Our wedding night (in the future) was supposed to be a romantic special memorable night of our first time together where we finally give each other our 100% but instead we’re like already halfway there. I’m afraid to tell him because i don’t want him to be upset with me. We used to talk about when we would finally actually have sex and the other day i told him i changed me mind and don’t want to until we’re married. He said he was okay with that and that if i didn’t want to do it then neither does he. But I’m just afraid of how he’ll react when all of a sudden he can’t touch me the way he has several times before. I wish i could take it all back. I wish he never touched me sexually. I wish i never pleasured him. I wish the two of us had stayed pure like we intended back when we were in high school 😞

Also my boyfriend has always said that at some point in life he wants to get it together and start being a Christian so yeah