What’s the point of being alive anymore. At the start of the year I had everything, my boyfriend who was everything to me and shared deep memories with him and we were deeply in love and close with each other, I had friends who cared for me even when I was being stupid and now I have none. I pushed everyone away bc I felt like I didn’t deserve them, especially my boyfriend who was the sweetest most loving person and we got through a lot together but I fucked up at last and I feel pathetic for still loving him and he probably doesn’t even give a shit and I feel stupid for chasing after him all the fucking time bc emotions get the better of me and I act up and I keep fucking acting up on him bc I can’t tell him how I feel and when I try to tell him that I want to talk, we talk a little and then something comes up bc we usually talk late at night and I also procrastinate on telling him how deeply I miss him and the shit I did didn’t mean to get him pissed off, I was trying to love him but I loved him in the wrong way sometimes and showed it badly. I just feel stupid and pathetic bc of how soft I become around him and how he makes me feel, even after the shit has happened, whenever I’m around him or we’re talking it feels like nothing has changed and feels no time has passed being away from each other and everything feels right, besides how touchy we were with each other and I feel stupid for it. I have no one to turn to anymore, yes I have family but it’s not enough bc all I want to do is talk to him. It’s always been and about him bc I have such an amount of love and caring for him and I just want to talk to him... he says that I don’t deserve the shit he puts me in but he doesn’t act upon it and that’s the only thing that I dislike about him. My birthday is coming up next Thursday and now i have no one to celebrate it with. I wanted to celebrate it with him all day and I’ve been so excited to see everything he would’ve done for me but now I have no fucking idea what to do and honestly it sucks and I want to talk to him before my birthday but I’m scared and honestly I’m just giving up on everything, even if he made me the happiest person alive and I hate it how it seemed that I was such a big part of his life, but in reality he was the biggest part in my life and I hate that he was because now that he’s partly gone, I feel lost and unhappy.. I just with to turn back the time to the day that kinda screwed everything up and I’ve been holding in shit for 4 months now and I’m just ready to let go... I have no one. I don’t know.