I Made a Terrible Mistake

Last Saturday I went out with my girlfriend and a group of her friends for her birthday celebration. We had all been drinking (and I really don’t do good when I drink because something stupid always happens) and I wasn’t really acting like my usual self. I’m usually quiet and keep to myself while watching my girlfriend have a good time with her friends. Well this night I was feeling good and was actually dancing (something I never do) and when I switched to dancing with this one girl named Red, my girlfriend got upset which annoyed me because she was fine with me dancing with her friend’s best friend and she dances with whoever she feels like but assumed it was because Red was another gay girl. Well as the night goes by I end up confessing to Red that she was my high school crush but I never said anything because at the time I was still confused about my identity. Red then tells me to hit her up if things between me and girlfriend don’t work out. By the time it was close to leave I head to the restroom and Red was leaving the restroom and I start to say something to her which leads to her turning around, pulling me close, and kissing me. I don’t stop her and kiss her back, and she pulls me into one of the stalls so no one sees us. After leaving we’re all in the car together and I’m thinking I’m just leaning on Red because I’m tired and my girlfriend is sitting her friends lap, but apparently it looked like I was getting comfy with Red and that we were holding onto each other and I apparently looked at Red the way I look at my girlfriend and this hurts my girlfriend.

I don’t know what came over me, it’s not something I would usually do. I’ve never cheated on a partner, even when they’ve cheated on me. And my girlfriend means the world to me. She’s my everything and we’ve been through so much together and I feel so terrible because I know she deserves the world and now I’ve hurt her. She doesn’t even know about the kiss, just me leaning on Red in the car and if she finds out she’ll be devastated. The guilt is eating me alive and I’ve felt physically sick these past few days because I can’t deal with the thought that I hurt my girlfriend and know I don’t know how to ever make it up to her and prove to her that she’s my everything.