Deep Down I Know It's Wrong

This is going to be a long post, but bear with me...

When I met my partner just over a year ago, we were both homeless. We lived in the same youth shelter for a while, and we really hit it off. He was intelligent, funny and a far cry from the 'homeless' stereotypes. He suited me perfectly, and it seemed like I suited him too.

We fell SO in love, and so fast. We moved in to a house together a few weeks later and have been living here ever since. I'm working and he isn't.

Within the first month of us moving in together, whilst snooping he found old chats on my Facebook account with my ex. He went crazy, and became completely suicidal (I should mention he was drunk). He called me a slut, and said I was disgusting.

I left for a few weeks.

But somehow, he managed to manipulate me into thinking it was a good idea to come back - and I was an idiot for not realising that I was being twisted around his little finger.

Surprisingly, things were fine for a few months, until he started taking opioids in such large amounts he'd be a zombie by the end of the day. He'd guilt trip me into giving him my prescription, or to go to the doctor to get another so he could have it. I suffer from chronic pain and from all the prescriptions I've had - even ones I've hidden - I've probably had about 2 tablets in the space of 9 months.

He stopped using a few months ago, but he has relapsed.

Our sex life is non existent, he doesn't respect me.

Throughout the duration of our relationship he has probably told me to leave the house about 200 times. He does it so I have no power, because he knows I'd have nowhere to go. He tells me noone else loves me and has poisoned my relationship with family and friends.

He has consistently made me feel guilty for going to work, wanting to go a walk or visiting my family.

He says I look like a whore with makeup on, and made me change my style. I live in pyjamas and comfy clothes because I'm scared he'll call me names if I make an effort.

His addiction is out of control, too. When he withdraws he is so evil. He's choked me out once before, and threatened me so bad that I was suicidal.

I know it's wrong. I know I should leave. But I'm afraid. I love him, but I don't know why - he doesn't love me, he loves that he can control me

I used to be so independent. I have a degree, I had my own business and my own house. Now, he tells me I'll amount to nothing and that I'm a waste of space.

What do I do? I don't want to have to leave, but I know I have to for my own safety and sanity.

I just hope he is able to get better.

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