I feel like a bad person

**trigger warning**

**sexual abuse**

From 3-13 I'd hide from my uncle when he came over. Other times...I never got the chance, so i fell victim to his predatory ways. My parents never once saw the signs my sister and i both threw out there. Heck we didnt even know the other was being hurt too. We just focused on saving ourselves. It all ended when I was 13. My parents left me over night with my abuser(the 30 year old man my father called"brother") I had just grown boobs so they were an easy target. I was shaking out of fear. He thought I was cold and asleep like he always assumed. I felt grown man parts that day. I felt so sick. I lost it. In tears, I fought back this time. I had finally had the guts to protect myself and my developing body. I'd I hadn't defended myself that night I would have been raped "in my sleep"

When my dad found out he stormed to his house grabbed a shovel and put it in my uncle's hands and told him "start digging, cause you're no longer my brother and I'm going to kill you"

Fast forward to now:

His 3 year old son died during a seizure. I feel bad the life of a little boy was lost and I feel bad for my cousin cause she lost her baby brother..... but I'm glad hes in pain. I myself couldn't imagine losing my children.... but the darkness he left inside me is glad that happened to him.

My aunt (his sister) who disowned him is saying she loves him and misses him and wants to give a shit ton of money to help. I feel like I never had her support.

I cant help but to feel like a terrible person for having these feelings