Was this rape?

I feel stupid to even bring this up. This happened years ago when I was in college and it’s been more than ten years. But I just literally heard this guy’s voice in my head and I suddenly feel like my heart sank into my belly.

I was a junior in college. I’d just confronted the hard knowledge that my first boyfriend, an ex at this point, had raped me at worst and mistreated me at best when I lost my virginity to him. I was shaken, vulnerable, and impossibly naive.

I met this guy who seemed super into me. I didn’t expect a relationship with him, and I didn’t want one. I guess I thought maybe a minor fling might help me heal.

We kissed. We made out. I told him I didn’t know what would happen between us and I didn’t have any expectations, but one thing I could tell him for sure was that I didn’t want to have sex with him. I told him why. He said it was fine. He told me I was “too attractive for that” (to be raped). An alarm bell sounded in my mind but I ignored it.

We spent a night together in my dorm. We fooled around. He asked if I wanted to have sex and I said no. He was fine. He was charming and kind and I liked him.

After that night, however, I decided the fun had lasted long enough and this was not what I needed.

I ran into him at a party soon afterward. I hadn’t communicated that I was over it. He was very drunk. I was drunk too, but not sloppy. I suspected he was waiting for me to leave and that he’d follow me. We both lived in the same dorm as the party.

I waited him out. He left first. I was relieved. About fifteen minutes later I left, wanting to go back to my room.

He was standing in the hallway.

He took my hand and basically dragged me to his room. I protested at first, weakly. I tried to pull back but again, weakly. I went with him (I know).

In his room, we fooled around again. I let him take my pants and underwear off. He touched me, and I touched him. I tried to give him a hand job.

Very suddenly he climbed on top of me and tried to penetrate me. There was no asking for consent. I sat up in a panic and asked “what are you doing?!” He stared at me. I scrambled for something to say, done reason to give him why we couldn’t do this. “I’m not on birth control.” There, see? We can’t. Besides, I ALREADY SAID I DIDN’T WANT TO DO THAT.

He huffed at me, annoyed, and said “well you should be.” His kindness was gone. He got off the bed and went to a drawer at his desk. I didn’t see what he was doing. I sat up, took a breath. I was relieved. I thought I’d be leaving.

He turned and got back on the bed. He’s put a condom on. Without a word he was on top of me again and inside me.

I had sex with him even though i was dead inside and I totally disassociated, waiting for it to be over. When I remember it now, I remember everything that happened with that first person perspective except for the actual “sex.” That part i remember as if I were one one standing aside, watching.

I didn’t report him because I figured I’d just been too weak. Now I don’t even remember his last name.

Did he rape me? Or did I just let him?

I’m 34 and shivering at my desk right now, feeling like a traumatized teenager. Please help me understand this.