New Pregnancy Culture - Tired Old Mom Rant

Mandi

Being pregnant in the age of social media is a very strange reality. I have a couple of phone aps that give me a window into my changing body, which I like, but it also gives me a window into the new "pregnant community"...which is very surreal.

It's all about announcing and celebrating now, not on the scale it was when I was first pregnant in my twenties - I had a baby shower and that was it. Now it's about doing clever gender reveals and going to the craft store to create the perfect announcement photo, and buying a beautiful dress to do pregnant photo shoots in so others can "oooh" and "awww" at them, and taking pictures of your baby bump all the time and feeling bad if it's not some perfectly round glowing orb, and the baby moons and THEN the baby shower...when did being pregnant turn into a spectators sport?

Now it's all about being visible and creating some fairytale life for yourself to plaster all over the internet which has absolutely nothing to do with reality.

And I feel drawn to these things like someone watching an execution, or driving by a fatal car crash - you can't look away as you are afraid you might not feel the way you should feel and you need to be certain. And I can confirm it does confound me: this is not how it really feels to be a mom. So why the fanfare?

As I lay here struggling with the scarier parts of carrying a life - feeling very alone and trapped in some cataclysmic fear fest of my own making - I long for that kind of fantasy. I really want to buy a cheap bride's maid dress on Etsy and go out into the woods with a flower wreath on my head and pretend to be some sort of pregnant elf posing for pictures - "Look at me, BEHOLD! I am the essence of life!"

But I just can't. I'm forty years old and I've lost four babies and I'm struggling to work and keep up with life at the moment. I just want the magic of holding a healthy baby in my arms. That's it. I'd settle for doing it in an ugly hospital gown with messy hair with staples in my stomach.

I don't ever remember being so scared or in awe at the same time. I don't remember always feeling like it wouldn't be a sure thing. So I guess it's hard to wrap my head around the new pregnancy culture that's emerged.

To each their own I guess. For me, each week that passes I feel lucky and scared at the same time.

I don't feel like a young woman approaching this with blushing, abounding hope...just furrowed anxiety creasing my aging forehead and fingers crossed.

Real life is hard to come by. Living in it, truly being present in it is even harder. Maybe that's why it's so different for the younger parents? They can disappear into some glamorous fantasy and it's trendy and expected. It takes the edge off reality.

Me? Back to the grind. Fingers crossed.