Depression (long post)

Who knew depression could be so different from person to person?

People may look at me and think I'm doing well because I have a smile on my face, I put makeup on or fixed my hair, because my house is clean, or because my fridge is full of groceries...

What they dont see is that it takes me a few hours to even get out of bed in the morning, that as I'm doing my makeup I usually have to redo it a few times because my tears mess it up, that I run my errands because being in public forces me to pretend everything is fine.

What they dont know is that I frequently think about what life would be like for my loved ones without me in it, or that I think about how I'm too coward to actually end my own life, and how in my head I run through what I would write in a suicide letter.

It's amazing how someone can pretend like everything is okay and actually fool people. I recently had a friend check himself into the hospital for depression where he was put on a 48 suicide watch. After that he was put on meds and released. You never would have known he was in such a bad place mentally just by looking at him or talking with him.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should do the same? I have an underlying condition that may be causing this depression and my doctor is working to figure out how to fix it...but until then...maybe I should get help.

But for now, I go through the motions. I clean the house, I put on make up, I force myself to eat, to smile, and to be social. Maybe if i can fool everyone long enough i will start to fool my self?

My life is good. I have no real reason to be depressed. I have a good home, a loving husband and 2 adorable dogs! Yes I may be alone half the time because my husband is military, yes I may be struggling to get pregnant, yes I may have a family that isnt very supportive...everyone has their problems though and mine are no different than anyone else. So, why do my problems affect me so much? Why am I depressed? Who knows. I just wish people could understand.