Hey ladies..

So I just recently went through a miscarriage, first pregnancy after 6 years of trying..

When I first took a pregnancy test I did it just for the heck of it, I wasn’t feeling any symptoms. Nausea, vomiting, pains and aches, nothing..

The lines were so bright and showed up straight away..

I then had a scan that showed I was 5 weeks and 3 days..

Me and my husband were so happy, we told our close family, we even surprised my parents with this little “bun in the oven” surprise. Since it was going to be the first grand child.

Then it happened, Wednesday the 23rd of January, I started bleeding a little. And I thought, it’s ok a lot of women have spotting in their pregnancies, it should be fine, but just to make sure because I’m a hypochondriac, I went into the ER and they assured me that it should be ok, at this point my HCG levels were 4456. I was sent home and it was all ok.

Fast forward to the 25th of January 2019, at exactly 1.30am, I woke up and I knew it was gone. I felt a pool off blood underneath me and in a panic I rushed over to the emergency department. I waited for the doctors and nurses to take thier tests. But I knew it already, I couldn’t feel it anymore. All the amazing things my body was doing, to hold it, the veins, the blood rush, the hunger for food, the tender breasts, the stretching pain in my uterus, were gone. Instead I was left with pools of blood in my underwear, a burning sensation in my uterus, a feeling of coming and going pains like contractions and eyes filled with tears that were uncontrollably pouring down my face. I went into the bathroom with fear everytime, fear that I would loose it forever. But it was innevatible, it couldn’t do it anymore, it couldn’t grow, my body rejected it, for reasons unknown, except for that it was the will of God. He created it to begin with, He made my baby latch onto me, and just like that he made my baby let go. I was crying, devastated, broken, into millions of pieces. Praise be to God.

Many women bleed in thier pregnancies, and still have normal growing babies, but I just knew, this bleeding was not normal. They gave me pain medicine, to take away the burning, but it couldn’t take away my broken heart. I waited for the results, of the blood tests they took, I waited for the results of the ultrasound they took. I had a 0.01% feeling of hope. But then the doctor came in and said, I’m sorry, your having a miscarriage. You’ve lost your baby. My tears burst out, and I cried, even though I knew, but to have them tell me, and confirm it all, it became real. I got discharged home, I remember looking up at the sky, saying Praise be to God, all the prayers I made, all the protection I asked for got answered. It was now in heaven, with God protecting it forever, awaiting my arrival one day..

To my dear unborn baby, you will never have to endure the issues and stresses of this life. You will be in heaven and be with all the children there waiting for me and your father. I kept repeating to myself “Praise be to God”, through it all. I kept reminding myself, God does not burden a soul more than it can bear. I am all good now. The words “Praise be to God” stuck me back together again. And the next day I was smiling, laughing and moving on. I kept wondering if it’s too soon. But it’s not, because you will always be with me, in my heart, forever. I will see my little baby angel again one day God willing. I pray that you will be my ticket into Heaven, And I’ll get to see what you would have grown into, a beautiful girl, or boy, with curly hair, coloured or brown eyes, big pouted lips, little red cheeks, chubby arms and legs.. my little angel. Me and your father will reunite with you again. I will never forget what it was like to have you growing inside me, to have my blood flowing through your veins. God has a bigger plan for you and for me.

My HCG levels dropped down to 2234.

A week and 4 days have passed now and my HCG levels are 6.

I haven’t lost hope, I feel contentment in my heart. I know God has a greater plan for me. Maybe this little angel was a sacrifice for its future brothers or sisters.. only time will tell... either way I am happy and trust in God’s magnificent plan ❤️