Im use to being bullied.

When I was a kid I was bullied all throughout school badly. Like I'd get beat up my shit stolen from me and so on... That messed me up pretty badly. My education suffered because of it I didn't even have any better of a life at home. I was raised by a person who wanted to die. Ignored by my parents my whole life I lived with my grandma. As a 7 year old I got the "joy" of hearing about how my grandma was raped and beaten and how my grandpa who lived with us beat the crap out of her and left her for dead for one time. She told me that story so many times i feel like I lived through it... I had a hard childhood well no I didn't get much if a childhood. Met my husband when I was 17 and he 19 we've been together for 9 years married for 8 because if the bulling and everything I've gone through as a child it's changed me as a person.

I don't have friends. My only friend is my husband. I get along great with his family but I don't care to be around them I try my best not to be around my own family because it just brings up bad feelings I don't life dealing with My grandma, I don't even talk to hardly ever.

My day to day life is napping cleaning cooking being a mom and a wife that also has to be sexy. My husband tries to give me the world but a huge chunk of my life was taken from me as a kid and I feel like I'll never be able to live right or fully until I get it back , but I've been looking for so long that I have lost hope/excepted that I'll never find it. I love my family and my life but I feel like a recluse I never want to do anything or leave the house. That isn't living. I've tried therapy didnt work. Psychologist are few and far between in my town and I've tried my family Dr but the pills she put me on made things worse for me.... I didn't want to be on medication I didn't want to live life like that. So I just put a smile on my face for the sake of my family because I love them so much. I live with missing pieces of myself. The only time it's hard when I focus on the feeling that's caused by the missing pieces is when I'm alone

I don't speak to anyone about this. If I tell my husband he will feel like he isn't doing his job good enough or that it's his fault. I won't do that to him so I hide it... My children will never know this about me and that is the extent to all the people I have in my life. I write this not in hopes to get words of encouragement or advice or to seek attention. I just wanted it off my chest and hope that someday someone might read it. So in a way someone listened to me.