what if?

my parents told me that life is a gift. that people are dying, but what if? what if I was happy? is that not part of the deal? am I just supposed to find myself? how can this be real?

what if I didn't hate myself? is that just me? just me who goes down in my knees begging plz, plz, plz?

I always feel alone, even in a crowed room. I can see all the love, but can I feel it too?

what if I had confidence? what if I could look in the mirror with pride? what I could walk into class, ready to take my next stride? maybe it's bc I hear the talk. bc ik the truth. people hate me, but I guess there's nothing I can do? what can I do?

I always feel like I have this weight. a weight telling me that I must do only great things, and never anything wrong... but I feel like I might.

and what if I did? what would they do? they don't know what I've been going through, what if they do? I never like to bring it up. the attention is on me.

so I just live life waiting, what else ca I do?

what if I felt love? from people besides my fam? sometimes I feel even my friends, make fun of who i am.

so what if I was happy? what if I didn't hate myself? what if i had confidence, and didn't feel like just another mess up on an empty shelf? what if I felt the love? would it change my mind and remove what I was told? I guess I'll never know, I'll never be able to say, that what I'm feeling is real. so the question still stands. what if? what if I could express myself, and love who I am?