I can’t enjoy sex (LONG POST SORRY)
Okay. I was raped last year for the second time and I’ve been kind of spiraling back into some old unhealthy coping mechanisms since and it’s been working okay for the most part, I’ve been avoiding sex and my flashbacks/nightmares are pretty infrequent as of late(especially now that I’ve been getting pretty high most all the time). So I ran out of weed today and wanted some more but the only guy I could hit up was an ex who’d asked me to have a threesome with him and his current girlfriend. I knew it might come up during the night, but I figured I wouldn’t go along with it or even if I did I’d be okay with it because I’d be high. And I was okay for the first little while, when I hadn’t done anything with him apart from a handjob, and then he asked for me to suck him and initially I tried to suggest a different position where he wouldn’t be in me, but they didn’t like it so I agreed and did it. But immediately after I started, I was back there again. I could feel it, hear it. And I knew. I freaking knew before I did it. I thought to myself, “you know, maybe you shouldn’t.” But then I did and i while in I just couldn’t keep going so I jerked him for a while until we swapped and he wanted to fuck me but I couldn’t take it and asked to only make out with his girlfriend. And we did that until he came because I couldn’t handle anyone messing with my vaginal area. It was all I could do not to cry or start panicking. I had to leave to have a quick intense ugly cry before going back into the room with them to ask to go home. They asked if I enjoyed it and all I felt I could say was yes. Even though I didn’t enjoy it, they don’t know about the rape and I don’t feel comfortable telling them. But now I just feel so dirty. And took a shower and it didn’t help at all. I feel like I need another one. I’m so nauseous I just want to throw up. Oh my god, I’m just messed up right now. I’m sorry for the long rant. I’m just so angry. I can’t even enjoy sex because you fucking fucker took the fucking choice from me. I’m so angry with them(the guys who took advantage of me, not my ex and his girl). I just want to feel okay again. And I just feel like poop and Idk what to do.