Hey there, I’m coming to the group after the loss of my pregnancy and just wanted to share my story (maybe in part to help me grieve).

So my husband and I got married in December and tried immediately to get pregnant. The first month was super hard and frustrating- we put in the work why weren’t we pregnant?! In February I really slacked on tracking my fertility but to our surprise we got pregnant! I took every test in my house and we couldn’t have been more excited.

Fast forward to March 31st I began to have brown spotting that was pretty light. I annoyed the hell out of my OB and finally on Wednesday April 3rd they checked my hcg (3524) and then again on Friday the 5th (4110). I was called on Friday by my OB and told I likely miscarried. My husband and I were devastated. We went in for an ultrasound and abdominally a heartbeat was seen right away. They did a vaginal to confirm and baby was measuring 7w3d and had a HR of 146. We were overwhelmed!!!

The bleeding subsided but picked up again on Monday the 8th. So. Much. Blood. I was bleeding down my leg and soaked through my scrubs at work. I rushed to the ER to be told my hcg was now up to 4800 and on the US baby measured 8 weeks and had a HR of 157. Yay! I chalked it up to me overreacting and I was just happy baby was good.

Wednesday morning we had our initial OB appointment and it was great. We came home and my husband went to bed (we work nights), and I began to work around the house. I remember my pants feeling wet and I went to the bathroom. I had a toilet FULL of blood and huge clots on the paper. I called my OB and they told me just to watch it. Not even 10 minutes later I filled the toilet again with blood and called back- they finally agreed to another ultrasound.

I went in, not wanting to wake my husband for a STAT ultrasound. I was in the room for 30 minutes bleeding all over the table before the ultrasound was complete. The tech made no attempt to show me or point out the HR and I instantly knew it was bad. When I asked, she said she couldn’t tell me but would call my doc. She came back and walked me towards the OB office saying they wanted me to come over.

I cried the whole way there.

I got to the office and was put in a room. The Dr had to come back in as the clinic had just closed. As I waited I sat in the room and bawled. Finally she came in and told me that the HR was 40 and the loss was near. After all the discussion I decided I wanted to pass it naturally as my body was already attempting that, and for religious reasons.

I went home and broke the news to my husband. We were a wreck. After a lot of crying and hugging we decided to make the best of it. We got dinner and came home. When we got home I could feel this wet mass in my underwear. I went to the bathroom and had large clots and a toilet full of blood. At my husbands request I fished a clot from the toilet that looked strange and to our surprise it was baby. We held it and cried. After much thought and time we had decided on cremating the baby but holding it there it just didn’t make much sense. It was a powerful and horrible experience all in one. The blood really slowed after that and I thought it was finally over.

Nope. Today the blood returned in full force and tonight while out with my husband I felt a gush if wet in my pants. I ran to the bathroom of the store we were in and the placenta was there in the toilet and blood soaked my pad, underwear, and pants. We came home and I’ve continued to bleed and have horrible pain in my back and stomach.

I just want it all to end so we can move on and try again. I know this post was horribly long and probably won’t get read but it feels great to have it off my chest.

Also- when we returned home tonight there was a beautiful double rainbow in our backyard. We truly believe it was a sign from our beloved baby.