My coach told me to quit

Anyone with a kind heart please read and possibly leave me some advice.

Yesterday my high school softball head coach, told me I shouldn’t play again next year. This is my junior year and she has me playing junior varsity for 3 years.

I started playing softball when I was 10, I joined because my best friend was a pitcher and she needed a catcher. I soon fell in love with the game and played slow pitch (it’s like a milder version of softball) up until high school.

The first day on the field the head coach told me she didn’t think I was cut out for “her” program. This was without ever seeing how I played. She went off of the fact that I began crying because I freaked out when I realized I was the only one wearing shorts and everyone else was in pants. (I was very shy and awkward around adults at the time.)

Later on I was ridiculed by the head coach multiple times in front of my teammates for being shy. One incident included being forced to yell out “I am confident” at home base with the rest of the team along the back stop. I couldn’t fully get the words out and they came as a whisper. It was lucky for me that I had a helmet on because that way the other girls couldn’t see that I was crying. I ended up having a panic attack and it was revealed soon after that that I actually had anxiety.

When season came I had spent the majority of it on the bench. I wasn’t upset though, because even though I was only a freshman, I understood that I hadn’t yet earned much playing time. The other girls played better and I was still adjusting to the world of fast pitch. I wasn’t upset at my coach, in fact I would defend her every time my teammates talked badly about her. I saw it all as a challenge I would later conquer. I promised myself that I would be a varsity starter eventually.

The next year I returned to the JV softball team as the only returning player. 2 girls were moved up to varsity, the other 10 quit.

My coach then decided to advertise that she wouldn’t cut any girls. So we had over 20 girls playing.

This was concerning, because this meant half the playing time for most of the girls. I lucked out though because it just so happened that my coach needed a DH, so I stepped up and ended up playing every game. Not every ball was hit to the outfield, but I knew how to get on base and I was reliable at being able to get a hit in order to let another girl score.

But I still wasn’t good enough. I was yelled at just about everyday and called names by my coach. Supposedly it was because I should know better than to do what she thought were stupid mistakes.

At the end of the season our JV coach announced she was leaving for an opportunity to be a head coach at another school. I didn’t realize until my junior year that she had fought the head coach to let me play.

Junior year I was still on JV. I thought that at this point I had proven I can l play well enough for varsity. Apparently not.

I decided that I wouldn’t give her a choice but to bump me up. So during off season I hit the field after school every day it was open. Including a few times where it was only me and a tee to hit off of or a tennis ball that I would use to play wall ball by myself against the back of the dug out. I really hit the weight room during the class period. I ended up doubling my squat weight, shortening my mile time by 2 minutes and lengthened my plank time to over 5 minutes.

I made sure to always being jogging everywhere. I was always first in line for every drill. I ran to help clean up or put away equipment.

I lengthened my throw, I improved my accuracy, I about perfected my bunt, I became more aggressive on the bases, and my fielding had gotten so good that sometimes it was like the ball was drawn into my glove like I was holding a magnet.

After tryouts our coach told us all she would tell us how we did and what our strengths and weaknesses. That was when she told me that my teammates came to her and said that I’m bossy and they hate me. (I talked to my teammates later on about it. Nobody said any of that.) She Never spoke a word about how I play.

A little over a month later my mom contacts her asking her to discuss with me how I could improve, or what she expects from me. This resulted in her talking to me for over an hour after practice telling me nothing I do in practice is right. That me working hard means nothing. “Putting away equipment and and being first in line isn’t softball”. She recalled every tiny mistake I had made and used it against me. She twisted every word I spoke. I just sat there crying and not being able to breathe. I was having a panic attack and I couldn’t get away.

The next two days she sent me to the councilor during the period because “something really must be wrong for me to cry that badly”

Another month passes and we’re nearing the end of the season. We had lost several games in a row. We had a game that night. She screams at all of us for the entirety of our softball period. Telling us to get our acts together and saying how “no one ever tries or works hard”, how “no one deserves to play varsity next year.” Later we’re warming up batting. She yells again about how we don’t even try. We’re in the outfield, catching fly balls. I see a ball falling really short, so I pick up speed, slide for it, and catch it. That’s when I’m yelled at for not “catching it right”. The game starts. I go up to bat. I pick up the signs. I bunt and the catcher throws me out. Both coaches get into my face to again yell at me.

I run out into right field to take my position and I cant stop hyperventilating. I’m shaking so much and my eyes are watering. The ball is hit to third and third over throws 1st. I was supposed to back up but I was in the middle of a panic attack. The girl ends up hitting a inside the park home run. Coach throws me out. She starts to scold me but it didn’t take long to recognize something was wrong. The trainers had to be contacted and I left the game early.

Now season just ended a week ago. And yesterday was when she officially told me not to play again. She told me that she’d never put me on varsity and that softball isn’t the sport for me. She tried to convince me to join another sport.

I don’t know what to do, or what to think. My heart is just shattered and honestly this feels worse than a break up. All I keep thinking about is how I let that freshman me down.