I can't stand my child's father.

I know we talked about having a baby and we were so excited now I realized that it was for nothing and meant nothing. You really don't know how a man is going to be as a father until he is one -- and sometimes that's simply too late.

His lack of motivation to work or do anything is such a turn off. We have been together since 17&20-22&25. On and off. He's cheated, been physical, slashed my tires, broken into my home, and yes I took him back after all of that.

2 days ago, he came over for our "5 year anniversary" and I just didn't feel anything but disgust. He kept trying to kiss me and hold me and I was repulsed. He tried to have sex and I'm 5 months pregnant but I don't even want him to touch me. Like how are you turned on in the state we're in. All I can do is look at baby stuff and be like oh we need that. I have 0 things for my baby and I cannot work. I'm so disappointed in myself.

I just have hope because even though I don't like it, my mom is willing to help but I've never been the type to ask. I always worked from 17-22 now and I'm in the nursing field which is why I even agreed on trying. I had reoccurring ovarian cyst and got on birth control to get rid of my period (no period-no cyst) and got pregnant on that.

Just looking at him I'm like I see the boy in you. Not even a 25 year old man. He irritates my soul so much I told him to leave. He was sleeping peacefully the other night and I was up just looking at him and I'm like why the fuck should you allow him to be at peace in your house while he would go out and cheat on me and ugh I don't even want to get worked up about it but yeah.

I don't know I guess I just needed to vent..