WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?! 9 months postpartum...am I crazy????

Omg so I always wanted a baby. I alwAys wanted a family. I was so in love with my little boy when he was born. I was so in love with my boyfriend.

But over the past month I’m so so angry. Irritable. Tired. Sick. Unmotivated. Etc.

I can’t take it when my baby cries sometimes...ONLY sometimes! Sometimes I’m calm, patient, happy, but other times I get really irritated, I yell at my baby, I just put him in the crib and walk away.

I’m very angry with my boyfriend for some reason. Idk why. I am very snappy. If we argue and he says something mean I don’t live it down. I’m so exhausted to the point where I just want to lay in bed all day. I don’t feel like doing anything. I think

It’s because I do everything when he comes to this baby plus everything around the house. My boyfriend helps a little sometimes (but I feel like I have to cry or get mad at him for him to help). Although I don’t work, it’s still very tiring.

Today my boyfriend and I got into an argument. He tried saying sorry but I just kept ignoring him. I’m still very angry at what he said. I tried putting my baby down for a nap; he wouldn’t stop screaming. I just put him in the crib and walked away and laid down in bed. I’m too tired and angry to deal with this. My boyfriend eventually got him and tried to talk to me about what happened earlier today...we ended up arguing again and he left the baby with me and said he’s leaving.

I then brought the baby downstairs with him and then went back upstairs to lay down. He then again brought him back up and I brought him back down and said “stop bringing him upstairs...I don’t want him” he said “obviously not, seems like you never wanted him” I said “nope and I don’t want you either” and closed he door.

Now I’m laying in bed crying. Do I actually feel this way? What’s wrong with me. I know it’s completely wrong and wrong of me to keep bringing my son downstairs but I’m upset and angry and tired, etc. I just want to be alone.

My boyfriend has cheated on me in the past, I think about it kinda often...could this be why? I suffer from anxiety and had depression In the past as welll...could this be why? My boyfriend never takes me anxiety seriously. He says everyone has issues and I just need to work on them. But I was diagnosed at 12 years old. I find I get overwhelmed easily.

I just feel crazy. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone know why I could be feeling like this? Am I a horrible mom? I always wanted to be the best mom but this shit is hard. I try playing with him, i try doing activities with him when I’m not completely exhausted, I make homemade food for him, i breastfeed and bathe him everyday even when I don’t feel like it. I am trying...I find I put up a front to everyone else like I’m fine...like this is easy...but I find myself constantly comparing myself to other moms and jealous of what they have.