pregnancy... a little vent... rant PART 2

i spent the night before mother’s day him telling me to kill my baby. the morning of he was still telling me to kill him. in the afternoon. he was telling me happy mother’s day. he gave my baby a name, seen his face, felt him moved, heard his heart beat and still he tells me to kill my son. i’m alone hours away from family and i can go into labor at any minute. everything that i have for this baby i got myself. i stress so much that i lost my job and did bad in classes so now i may lose my scholarship. i have to move out soon. a couple of days after baby is due.

i hate myself for having to put my baby in daycare at 6 weeks because classes start right after i have him. my plan was to move with my uncle (hour drive to class) but now my sisters old car that was supposed to be for me is having more problems. i cry at the thought of having him sit in daycare all day. i cry thinking about having to get up everyday alone with a newborn. as a ftm i’m scared. my uncle already said he won’t help with baby at all. he is only housing. i’m mad for feeling weak. i’m mad i couldn’t give baby a better father. i’m already going through a lot mentally and i’m scared i won’t be a good mom. i set myself and baby up for failure. i was a fool to think i can do it alone.

i asked him to stay with me so he can work here and save money and i can use the help. he said no. asked him to help me first two weeks after baby is i can adjust to school m, heal and take care of baby. he said no he gotta be at his other son birthday party and the other girl birth. i’m scared to go into labor alone