pregnancy.... a little vent, a little rant ..long.. Part 1

35 weeks pregnant and it’s been hard. health wise it’s been a good pregnancy. i’m not that big. My body doesn’t ache. No serious nausea in the beginning. Baby boy is health & strong. Been measuring 90% percentile the entire pregnancy. Has all toes and fingers. No problems whatsoever. I should be happy and i should be grateful. In many ways i am but this journey has been hard.

I see women on this app. that struggle to conceive, suffered miscarriages, SIDS, birth defects and so many other things. i should be grateful. I see post on how people in-laws are too involved or family fighting about who plans the baby shower. i think to myself how happy i would be to have those simple problems. i would pray for those to be my problems. I see other post about single mothers finding true love and getting married and it makes me happy. how i would love to find that. how i crave happiness. I see other post by married women/ in relationships and they’re are basically single mamas because there spouses don’t help with kids or treat them bad. it makes me wonder if happiness is even out there. and maybe i’m better off alone with my baby.

i’m probably going to hit a lot of nerves by saying the next thing i’m going to say & im not even sure if it’s a real thing that happens to people or if it’s just something that people don’t talk about. but at 35 weeks. i wish i would have got an abortion. i’ve always been pro choice but deep down inside always knew that it would be something i would not do.

i got pregnant in late october. my body felt different and i just knew right away. a few days after it happened i just felt pregnant. i took a plan B within the window period. but i just knew it didn’t work. i tested positive before my missed period. i told my child’s father Asap. his first response was to ignore me for weeks. he told me he needed time to think about it and i’m like ok. this was someone i only know for a couple of months but grew to love and trust. i came out of a 7 year relationship with a guy who would manipulate me to stay with him, constantly rapped me and use my mental health problems against me or straight out down talk what i was going through. this new guy we connected in ways i couldn’t even explain. i was away for college and i’ll go home almost every weekend to be with him. eventually he started to come visit me as well. when i met him he was the great person and then he lost his job maybe late july or august. had to move out the house he was living in & then everything changed.

i was actually telling myself by november if he doesn’t get his self together i’m done. i got pregnant in october. he said he needed time to think. i gave him that. by mid november/ early december his answer was that he wanted me to get an abortion. i told him to get the money and i’ll get the abortion . i was heartbroken, angry and everything else. i didn’t have no where to go or anyone to talk to. so i came on this app and after different opinions. i decided to tell my sister. she miscarried a year ago. who told me to do what’s best for me and to not consider him at all. everyone in my family knows how big my heart is and how much i love kids. they jokingly call me “mama (my name)”. i still considered the abortion because of him. he was pushing it so much that it made me no longer want my own child. ( i feel stupid saying that now). after hours of google searches, youtube videos and reading old post about single mom, pregnancy in college, abortion process, working on a plan that would allow me to parent alone while in school. i decided to talk to my aunties who both experienced miscarriage and abortion. one had surgical and one had the pill and told me about their experiences. both told me to do what’s best for me and that it’s ok if i choose abortion. i’m still young and can have more kids. do i want to bring a kid that’s half him into the world. i had my first ultrasound at 8 weeks and it was barley anything there. he told me he wanted to see it to help him decide so i went and got one.

late december. i told my mom. i was supposed to be the golden child. first to go to college and the one to break all the statistics. she took it better than i expected. she was angry with me but told me she’ll support me with whatever choice i make. i found out the last period i can get an abortion was early january and that if i waited passed like jan 6. (forgot exactly but first or second week of jan) i would need a different type of abortion and it would be 1k. during the same week. new year’s actually, i found out he also had someone else pregnant. eventually the story from that went to she’s lying , it’s probably not his because they used condoms to it being his. (it changed as my pregnancy went on).

the night i found out he had someone else pregnant he pulled my hair and tired dragging me in front of everyone. i left from the house. i wanted to kill myself and like a fool i went crying to my ex. i told him everything. i heard my ex and his cousin talking about mollys (a pill) but you know how when you hear something but don’t pay attention really. that what it was. he gave me some food and some soda and i ate it bc i didn’t eat or drank the whole day and my body was exhausted from crying and first trimester stuff. after that i couldn’t get myself to stay up for some reason. i was fighting my sleep and again i assume pregnancy and crying. eventually i doze off and when i woke up my pants were down & he force himself on me. i tried pushing him off of me but it was no point. i cried & laid there as he took something from me and my baby. when he was done he took me home and at that point i wanted to be dead and i wanted my baby to be dead. i stayed in bed for the last 3 days or so days of winter break passed. just crying and hating myself so i can go back to school and get my abortion.

i get back to school and i cried the whole time. i tell no one about what happened to me or about the other baby on the way. i kept it all to myself. made a reason why to get an abortion and all of the reason why were things i could change if i wanted to. i was stuck but i couldn’t get the thought of killing my child because of someone else doing and lack of doing. i decided to keep my baby. i got another ultrasound around and that nothing was a gummy bear jumping around in my uterus.

going through this pregnancy was extremely difficult for me. i didn’t go to class for weeks. i didn’t shower, i didn’t clean up. i only ate when my body got so weak that i couldn’t move. parts of me wanted to be dead. it got so bad that eventually my family and friends stop calling and checking up on me... i guess that got tired of telling me the same thing over and over. around 18ish weeks i invited him to an ultrasound appointment he came. he didn’t speak to me the entire appointment, set in the seat further away from me. the tech was a nice old lady & he was so rude to her and act like he didn’t want to be there. she pointed out body parts and he was just w.e. around 20ish weeks he called me to tell me that he had $150 towards the abortion. at this point it was 1k and two hours away from me because the clinic here don’t do late term abortion.

after that he went through phases of wanting the baby not wanting the baby, wanting me but not wanting me, wanting me but not the baby. he went from picking out names one week to the next week of telling me to kill my son.

part 2 on different post