Advice for healing?

I was dating someone for a year, and we’ve broken up twice now. The first time, because he “joked” about cheating after telling me a whole story about how he was drunk and this drunk girl had done things with him in his friend’s room after a party. Well, he told me all of the details. Exactly what happened, and everything that went down. I was upset, obviously, but I told him that I could forgive it if he changed, stopped the drinking, and promised to never do that again. He didn’t change. He kept blaming me for his mistakes, kept asking why I was so cold when he would give me the silent treatment, at one point he called me crazy and asked if I was the one that had cheated. Recently, In the weeks past since we broke up, I realized that I couldn’t trust him, and eventually I realized just how toxic and unhealthy the relationship was.

Go back to a few weeks ago, he and I had gone to the local county fair and planned a double date. Of course, I was expecting just 2 more people, but we ran into friends of his, and he just “had” to talk and hang out with them. So I was pushed to the back burner while still standing there in person. I ended up having an anxiety attack because I was overwhelmed and I made some excuse about finding my little sister and helping with our 4H horses. His best girl friend ended up crying because her boyfriend left from an anxiety attack as well. And guess where my boyfriend at the time went? Not to check on his girlfriend that was upset... he checked on his best friend instead. Finding this out just upset me more, and I told him that I would find him later, before I left the fair for the night to say goodbye. I walked around, and then found him after 20 minutes or so. He had been hanging out with his guy friends that showed up earlier. He could have said anything, like “hey, nice seeing you guys, but I’m going to get back to my date” but he just left me hanging.

Once I found him, we ended up waking around and he stopped to talk to another friend. A girl that I didn’t particularly like. By that point, I was upset because the date wasn’t a date anymore. So, I told him to meet me back by the horse barn, and started walking away. He never asked what was wrong, he just yelled at me for walking away and “ruining his image” for his friends. At that point, I was just done so I stopped talking. He got pissed off because I was upset with him, and ended up yelling at me some more. I was walking to find my mother (she drove me to the fair), and he just started telling me how he hated how insecure I was about him being around other girls. He,

at some point, yelled “I’m done”, and I started crying. And from that point on, I knew that I would end things or he would simply because I didn’t feel love from him or for him in that moment.

We broke up a few weeks ago. And thinking about it now, he never listened to no. He did sexually assault me at one point, because I was unable to give proper consent due to being a bit black out drunk.

The girl he cheated with, was probably drunk enough that she could not consent and I feel awful thinking about her as the “bad” person for months...

I know the story isn’t completely relevant to the question, but it’s part of what I asked the question.

Does anyone have advice for healing from a toxic and emotionally abusive relationship?

Any books you’d recommend reading?

Music?

Thank you.