Losing hope 😢

Hello everyone,

I am 42 and I already have 4 beautiful healthy children. My husband and I have been together for 20 years and married for 13, we have never had trouble conceiving (on average it takes 3mths to fall pregnant)

I have always wanted 7 kids but my husband not so much so we decided on 5 so around early 2018 we started trying and in June (2018) I fell pregnant 😃 we were so excited but nervous (as always) at 6weeks I had an ultrasound and they could see the heartbeat (a strong one at that) and so it was a viable pregnancy we were due in early March 2019 Happy days 👍🏻. I had all my pre natal checkups and everything was fine. I was booked in to have my 12 week ultrasound (the days before my 41st birthday) so I was a bit nervous but excited to see my little peanut again to only be told it had stopped growing at 7 weeks 😢. I was in shock, I had had no bleeding or cramping no symptoms at all, this had never happened to me before. It was a missed miscarriage so 2 weeks after that I had a natural miscarriage 😭

So for the next few months after that my period was irregular but then in late December (just before Christmas) I did a test and there it was a very faint line 😱 I was shocked and excited but instantly very worried. I had an ultrasound at 7 weeks and there it was a strong heartbeat, I thought this could be it 🤞🏻🤞🏻

In February 2019 at 12 weeks (2 days before my eldest sons 12th birthday) I had by ultrasound booked to once again be told that they believed the baby’s heartbeat had stopped 2 days prior (baby’s size was measuring correct for due date) I didn’t know what to think, was it a dream was this a cruel joke I couldn’t believe it. So this time I decided to have a d&c done.

I have had 2 friends have babies (both believe it or not were due the same time as both my babies were due) so that has been pretty hard. I have taken so many opk tests all to come back with that blank circle I just don’t know when I ovulate (if at all) I still get my period every month but for some real strange reason I thought this month was going to to be my month I felt real nauseous and my boobs hurt, but no 😢😭 there she was the dreaded Aunt Flow showing up 2 days early

I don’t know what else to do. I really want my 5th baby and if it’s not meant to happen then I want that to be my choice not have it taken away from me by miscarriage.

Has anyone else had similar situations? I know I probably sound extremely ungrateful because I already have 4 kids, I just feel that little in bit incomplete