I always thought I was an easy going person. Turns out I'm a c#nt. Sorry if this reads like shit, I have had a few wines and have spent the best part of 2 hours crying.

I have been struggling a lot recently. Came off the pill a few years back to try for kids, went on antidepressants as I had felt shit for 15 years, came off antidepressants as thought they were hindering conception, found out months later that is was in fact infertility.

Fast forward to trying to get used to a life with no children, ever. The world is out oyster. Everything you see on people's bucket lists is within easy reach (unless the 2 doggos say otherwise!)

Thing is, I am now a changed person. When I came off the pill I put weight on. I also found it increasingly difficult to get out of bed. I used to be a maybe one time snoozer, now it's easily 5 snoozes before I can get up (and more often than not it's because the dogs need their breakfast)

I love my husband. We used to have this thing that I would tell him I like him, and in a way it would mean more because anyone can love a family member, but to actually like them means something different. I am bringing this up because I told myself the other day that even though I love him, I do not like him right now... But that is because I don't like myself.

When he tells me about his day at work I start switching off. It's a habit that started after he kept going into detail about certain things within his role. Now I am by no means that intelligent. I bearly scaped by with my 5 faces, shoddy 6th form and then a btec in art. My common sense is there, but I know my capacity cannot reach that of the people I have around me. So when he starts going into detail I cannot for shit picture what the hell he is on about. Brain goes into tapping monkey mode. Thing is now as soon as he starts speaking about anything work related, that fucking monkey is there and I cannot shut him up to even try to listen and respond.

He's angry, I'm angry. I flat out stonewall him quite a lot recently because I cannot even comprehend some of the things he is saying. And because I am such a tool, and maybe I should be learning this to keep him happy. But then why should I? Well maybe it's because I signed up for this.

My mind has been racing for a while. Even to the point of sleeping with other people. But then why should I put my shit onto someone else. Then I realise that my husband is dealing with me right now.

It's so hard because I am my true self around him. Nothing hidden. Flaws and all. Yet I myself hate the person that I am when I don't gives things a second thought.

What I earth do I say to my partner, my lover, my soulmate of 12 years that I cannot get on with the person looking back in the mirror, but you have to?!