Down days

Every now and again I'll have a really bad day or a day where I just feel like complete and utter shit. Today is one of those days.

Today I just really wish my mum was still here. I really just want to talk to her again.

Since losing my mum over a year ago I've had more and more down days, every fight I have with my husband since shes been gone has ended with me hiding away somewhere crying and wishing I could just go back to when she was around (I would always talk it out with her as she was always like my bestfriend) I constantly blame myself for her death. She was always sick but started getting better, it had been over a month since I had last visited her when I got the call that she was in palliative care. She wanted all her treatments to stop. She was letting herself go. I constantly ask myself what would have happened if I had stayed looking after her instead of moving out. If I had of seen her more often and been there for her like I used to. My dad never looked after her and I knew she wasn't happy with him and no one in our family was looking after her. I had been her carer from the day she started getting sick. Maybe if I had of stayed at home looking after her and being there for her she would have held on longer and continued her treatments until they found her a kidney transplant and could help her more.

Sometimes it just feels like I have no one to talk to anymore. My 1 friend close by me doesn't talk to me often and my husband won't let me see her as he calls her a shitty friend (I mean she's not the best but she's been my friend since we were little) my only other friend lives 3 hours away and never really wants to talk about shit and doesn't like phone calls. I can't wven talk to my husband as he doesn't understand. He thinks anything to do with mental illness isn't real (it's how he was raised)

On days like this when I feel like I'm alone I start regretting all major decisions in my life, I just don't know what to do with myself or how to feel better.