Today is the day I leave, i thjnk.

A little backstory. When I was 14 I got into my first relationship. The first year started off rough. He was cheating on me a lot. I didn’t think anything being so young. I felt hurt of course but I didn’t realize what was really going on. He said he loved me and well I believed it. I had no family support. He made me get rid of all my friends. Then a couple months later he raped me and I got pregnant. Thankfully after I told my mom everything she decided to come around and help me. My dad was angry my whole pregnancy. But I needed them the most. I had a beautiful little girl. Her dad left and didn’t come back till she was born. He was in and out her first year of life. When she turned one... he came back. Saying he changed. Being 16 years old with a baby I just felt so alone. I should have listened to my parents but I felt like he changed. Until that night he grabbed my face and threw it into the car window. He grabbed me into my own home and forced me down and raped me again. I couldn’t turn to my parents I felt like hey wouldn’t understand I was so ashamed. He called me a bitch, whore, slut, hoe. Told me everyday he wanted to kill me and how I would be better if I was burning in hell already. I was so alone. I ended up telling my mom who called the cops but they let it go. His side against mine. Got pregnant with my now son. He told me for 4 weeks if I didn’t abort my son he was gonna do it. He ended up dissapearing for 3 months later. When. Turned 6-7 months. He came to my house while my parents were at work. I opened the door and he picked me up and slammed me on the ground. I started bleeding. He told me I told you I’d kill the baby if you didn’t abort him.

My dad came home and thankfully he left. For good. He would still call/text me. Tell me all the girls he was fucking and how they were better then me. How I was still a bitch, whore etc. I spent everyday for years crying.

Flash forward till I turned 18. Everything changed. My parents divorced and my mom moved to a different state and I went with her. My dad wanted nothing to do with us. He wanted a new life. He was done.

From the age of 18-21 I didn’t sleep with anyone, didn’t talk to anyone. I knew I wasn’t ready.

Till the day I was! It was my now SO. He cheated on me a lot. I started seeing the same signs ( all except physically abuse) the only good thing about him was he was amazing with my kids. I forced myself to stay because now my kids finally had a good father. ( I hate myself for this ) I got pregnant. And he left.. he left to sleep with other girls. He came back when my so was born and it’s been downhill since. He’s mean. He’s miserable. He’s mean to my kids now. He treats me so so bad. I cry every night. I’m on medication now and I’m working on myself. I know it’s not me anymore but it’s them.

Now here’s where I’m struggling. I have no help. I have my mom that’s it. He hardly helps me with his son. And he works as a RN and works a lot. I can’t work right now cause of it and now I found out I have cervical cancer at the age of 23. My surgery is next week. I can’t work for 6 weeks after. Now I’m really screwed. I want to leave. But I need his money when he will give it. Idk what to do. I want to leave 😭