Life is falling apart

I think I’m going through something. Ive been going through this a while now. I feel like every day is a struggle- mentally and physically. Doing things for my kids and myself is like carrying a heavy weight over my shoulders. I feel like some women enjoy taking care of their kids. They look forward to doing things with them. But everything is difficult for me. It’s just draining. Going out with my kids is hard- my youngest is 2. You gotta pack like half the house, pack change of clothes, bathrooms aren’t readily available when she needs to go, can’t take dinner with you- just snacks (and my kid won’t fill her self up on snacks) she whines and cries and wants me to hold her or nurse her, now during the winter time you got pounds and pounds of clothing. By the time you get anywhere you’re sweating. You always need to keep a constant eye on the kids bec they can run from you in an instant so having conversation with anyone you go with is futile. Making dinners is a struggle- both my kids are picky eaters and underweight. Idk, all this Makes me think I wasn’t meant to be a mom. Makes me feel like I’m worthless because I suck at being a mom but I also suck at my office job! Haha! My marriage is falling apart. We have incredibly short tempers with each other. I don’t even remember the last time we touched each other. It’s been at least a year thats for sure. There’s a lot on our plate- were both working full time and he’s doing his masters part time so he’s never home during the week which means Kids, Hw with my 3rd grader, dinner, soccer practice, grocery shopping and house stuff falls on me. My husband got sick recently and ended up getting me and the kids sick and it jsut made me pissed. Pissed because when he is sick, he just worries about himself and focuses on getting himself better. But when me and my kids are sick, I still have to carry on for all of them. I can’t take it. Last night was hard when my daughter kept waking up every 30 min and I’m mustering every last bit of energy to comfort her yet I see my husband sleeping soundly with his back to us not even stirring or anything. I just kept thinking what a lying sack of shit he looked like- good for nothing. And thats not okay for me to feel that way about him. I know he didn’t purposely make us sick- still can’t help feeling that way though.

I feel like I need help. My marriage needs help. Yet there’s no time in our schedule to even get the help..

Anyway, rant over. If you made it this far- thank you. Please don’t judge me too terribly.

Sincerely,

a seriously exhausted mom who is clearly forever negative about everything.