I hate feeling like this... feeling like I have no value

So I’ll just preface this with, I just woke up from a long nightmare about my boyfriend dumping me and cheating on me. I also have a low self esteem and I’m about to start my period, so some of this could be me overthinking things. So please don’t be mean, I’m mean enough to myself.

So my boyfriends friends came over last night. I thought they were coming over around 4-6 PM and staying until 10 at the latest. But they didn’t end up getting here until 8 PM, and they stayed until after midnight. I asked my boyfriend beforehand to pick a time we can agree on that’s time to begin to wrap things up, he said 10:30. (Which I didn’t feel like was unreasonable, at all...) So I’m text him several times during (we were playing a game like cards against humanity in the floor, all very close to eachother) because it’s getting progressively later and later and later and he’s ignoring me the whole time. Eventually after midnight they finally leave. I work a very early job so even on my off days I’m asleep by 9 PM, and so is my boyfriend.

So I was very tired, I have lactose intolerance and I had eaten dairy beforehand so my stomach was going crazy, plus the game we were playing, I didn’t like at all. It was very personal and both his friend and his girlfriend were revealing way too much. It seemed like my boyfriend was loving her sexual stories.. because there were several where she talked about the stuff that she’d used to masturbate and he kept going wild over it. Plus I looked like shit with no makeup and she was all the way done up and wearing something pretty revealing and I felt like a piece of shit that not even my own boyfriend wanted.

During the game her boyfriend kept complimenting her and saying good things about her and touching her and flirting (keep in mind they’ve been together for a long time.) and meanwhile it felt like my boyfriend and I were only acquaintances. He wasn’t really looking at me and none of his answers except for one were about me, when his friends were almost all about his girlfriend. When I tried touching my boyfriend with my feet to play, he just touched mine once then got back into the game.... I asked him after why he doesn’t act the same in public as he does in private. (He’s very touchy feely in private) and he said he’s just not comfortable with being overly affectionate.. which is fine and I get but it was literally like he didn’t even know me the whole time.

I’m upset that they ended up staying almost 2 hours after what my boyfriend promised me he’d stick to. I get that sometimes stuff spills over a little bit and you can’t really help it, but it seems like he was purposely ignoring me.

I’m upset that I felt ugly, unwanted, and like my boyfriend would rather have someone else

I’m upset that he kept going wild over her stories and couldn’t pay me any attention at all

And I’m just tired of feeling so insecure and down on myself. I have these nightmares pretty often (haven’t had one in a while however) and every time I have one it makes me question everything.

I guess I’m looking for someone to say they’ve been through this and gotten help and gotten better, or anything helpful really. Thanks guys 💓