Is this abusive? Advice please!!

Question

Hi everyone. I need some advice.
I am a new mommy and of course, my body has changed.  When I was younger, i used to be really heavy and then lost about 50 pounds.  When i got pregnant, i gained about 50 and I've lost it all, but everything is very loose, saggy, and i just dont have much confidence in how I look. 
I really want to start working out and taking better care of myself.  I don't wear makeup anymore, I dont wear nice clothes, I just feel like crap about myself. I used to take a lot of pride in my appearance and feel really good about myself. 
Well, I was telling my fiance that I want a gym membership and to start wearing makeup again. His response was, "who are you trying to impress?"  I'm really just trying to feel good about myself.  Then he goes "I guess it just makes me nervous because I think you look fine and if you're trying to get hotter, you might leave me". "People dont just want to all of a sudden change something about themselves unless they are wanting someone's attention".
(We have a lot of problems right now which is why he said that).  But I dont know why he is taking me wanting to look better/ feel better as a threat. He rolls his eyes at me when I wear makeup or try to do home workouts and it just makes me feel so crappy.  He always thinks I'm looking for someone else. I really just want support...
I don't know what to do? Is he being abusive?

Answer

That's not abusive. That's insecurity.

Answer

Nah. I might get haters for this response, but my man says this bullsh*t to me all the time. I always take it as him wanting me all to himself, and I just laugh at him. On days where I do my makeup a little extra for work, he goes “oh are you seeing your work boyfriend today?” and I’ll just be like “no honey I’m actually getting lunch with my sugar daddy.” All jokes. Maybe don’t overthink things so much?

Answer

That’s manipulative which is borderline abusive. Definitely a red flag that there may be emotional and/or psychological abuse down the road. Stand up for yourself now before he thinks his behavior is acceptable and allows it to escalate.

Answer

I don’t think it’s abusive but it is a red flag to watch. Assuming there are no other indicators or history of abusive behavior, it probably just boils down to insecurity. It happens a lot in relationships when one person is ready to make a positive change and the other one isn’t. He doesn’t want to feel forced into changing himself but when he sees you doing so he feels pressure to do the same. He’s also feeling insecure that if you are taking better care of yourself and feeling more confident then he’ll have to keep up, or otherwise lose you. I don’t know if there’s anything you can do to change his mindset, but don’t let it hold you back from pursuing a healthy lifestyle.

Answer

In itself, not abuse. But it is a big red flag.

Answer

No, but sounds controlling and he has insecurities.

Answer

I wouldn’t say abusive either. Calling you fat and names and such that would be abusive. However he just seems incredibly insecure. Which isn’t right or fair to you. Because he’s uncomfortable with himself he’s also trying to bring you down and make you feel the same way. I know you said you are having some issues so it may be hard to do this right now but honestly I’d tell him exactly what you have just told us. About how it’s for you and you use to take pride in your appearance and now you don’t feel good about yourself. Feeling good about yourself is so important as a happy mama means happy house and baby! I would express to him how belittled he makes you feel when he rolls his eyes at you when you make an effort for yourself. It’s incredibly hurtful. If he doesn’t acknowledge that he is in the wrong I would either suggest counselling or leaving to be honest. You need to be with someone who can make you feel appreciated and good about yourself

Answer

No that’s not abusive

Answer

It’s not abusive. But a tad on the controlling side. My SO has said things like that before when I wear makeup and it’s not usual for me to do so. He will ask who I’m trying to impress and he loves me for how I look even without makeup. But he would never tell me I can’t wear make up or dress a certain way unless it really does look terrible then he will be honest and tell me my outfit doesn’t look good. 
Your boyfriend sounds a bit insecure. If he thinks you’ll leave him once you change anything about yourself then he’s got other issues. He obviously knows his behavior and attitude are not right towards you so he knows you could leave him for someone more deserving of you. I’d tell him that if he thinks that way then he clearly knows he’s being an ass and to fix it.

Answer

....not abusive but controlling. Abusive is not the right term.

Is this abusive? Advice please!!

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