Struggling

How do you just turn your feelings off? I’m so tired of hurting and being anxious about my current situation.

My fiancé left me after four years. Complete shock to the entire world. His own daughter has asked me if he’s started drinking again because he’s making such irrational decisions. January 31st, I called him an another woman answered his phone. I was floored. The usual cat fight ensued, she brought up my kids from my previous marriage, info she shouldn’t be privy to. My ex is malicious and keeps a strict rule over my kids and uses them to torture me, good ol NY family court system. She then screamed at me how her son had died, like it was pertinent to the fact that my fiancé had been running with her. I told her I didn’t care (which to her and her harpy friends make me a heartless bitch) and she kept screaming about it, asking me if I knew what it was like to lose a child.

We’d suffered a miscarriage early in our relationship. So yes. I did know. She got to meet her son. I never got to hear my baby’s heartbeat.

It’s been an emotional couple weeks. I haven’t eaten much, haven’t slept much, have to leave my home now because the landlord won’t let me stay on myself. He’s sitting high on the hill in her house, working in her garage, not a care in the world.... but he still comes around home when I’m getting home from work. Putting fuel in the fuel tank for heat... like he’s keeping one foot in my doorway.

Something died inside him when his aunt who was like a mother to him passed. I’ve helplessly watched him spiral out of control to the person he is right now. I’ve felt so helpless. But I don’t think I could forgive him for her. Even if he got help and we went to counseling. My whole world is shattered. How am I ever going to heal from this 😔