I rlly need to vent , Okay so I’m pregnant with my first child & I am deeply depressed... my partner & I have had a lot of difficulties understanding each other through this time , but for a couple of weeks I felt we were finally happy again & I was so excited that I was having this baby & starting a family with him. However on one particular day he told me to delete all the pictures I had of my previous relationships, instead of deleting them I put them in a separate folder & like two weeks went by & I honestly forgot about them, the last time i looked at them was when I was putting them in there, & I had no problem actually deleting those photos , but when I started doing it I just had these thoughts like “I was rlly pretty back then” , “I felt like I had worth”, “he said really kind things to me that truly uplifted me”, & I was just like hmmmm, so I put them in a folder. At the time my partner made me feel like I was a horrible girlfriend & nothing compared to him, I felt like every word that would come out of his mouth was attacking me, & I would often cry myself to sleep with him beside me without waking him up... I was in a great deal of pain.. he found out about the folder & says he’s done with me, that he hates me, that once I have our baby he will take care of it & he wants me gone... I understand why he is hurt , I truly do. But I don’t think it’s reason enough to end things with me.. I feel so guilty & stupid , bc even though I made the folder I didn’t even look at the pictures to make the whole thing worthwhile, I should’ve just kept them deleted, but nooo I was so depressed & looking at what was said to me back then made me feel better about myself.. like I wasn’t ugly, worthless, or the person my partner made me out to be... he has really hurt me & changed me throughout our relationship , but at the same time I don’t know where I would be without him , there were times where he made me feel like I was the only girl in the world, he was always there when I needed him.. But now I just can’t help feeling so stupid & worthless , “a waste of time” as he says. His harsh words just don’t leave my mind, I try to keep a smile on my face , I try to take my mind off it , but his words are always there , along with my own depressive thoughts. I honestly don’t want to exist anymore , I truly feel like I’ve been dead inside for a while.. Dont get me wrong , I love this man with all my heart & he is amazing, but he is the perfect opposite of himself, he can be the sweetest & most loving man , & the most hurtful one too . This baby inside of me is seriously the only thing keeping me going, when I see a car through the window I want to run in front of it, when I hold my razor I want to cut myself, I’ve tried talking to my family but they just tell me to get over it , that I’ve always been like that ... but my mom & sister just don’t understand how serious this is... I’m really tired of feeling this way. @ this point I figure the least I could do is bring my baby into the world, I have been having so many thoughts hoping that I die during or after birth.. that way my partner can be fully happy & wouldn’t have to worry about me or see me since he hates me so much..@ the same time I want to take care of my baby , see him/her, hold them, feed them. I know I would be a great mother & wife. But I feel like my partner would really take this baby from me & leave me with nothing. I’m afraid of my thoughts & the actions it could lead to. But I’m also afraid of losing my baby, I already have so much love for this little one.