ptsd? pushing s/o away

hey everyone, not even exactly sure how to go about this topic or what i’m feeling tbh.

i guess it’s best to start w some background info so you can better understand my perspective.

growing up, my parents have always been very strict and religious & so i started being sneaky when i turned 18 so that i could do normal things like everyone else my age.

when i turned 18, i was talking to this guy from class, had my first kiss w him, was going on dates, etc and fell HARD. turns out he was playing me the whole year and was cheating on his gf w me. she found out and blamed me for months, calling me a hoe & everything else you could imagine. safe to say, it took me a while to get over the whole situation.

at 19, the summer after my first year of college, i reconnected w an old friend from middle school & it felt like old times... until he forced me to give him head & tried to force his dick in me. great first sexual experience right?

that fall, i transferred universities & met a super sweet guy in class. funny, intelligent, attractive. we got really close and started hanging every week besides our time in class. i knew he didn’t want a relationship but sexual tension was HIGH & he was my first in terms of full consented sex. I never told him he was my first or what I’d been thru but he was extremely respectful and made sure i was okay every step of the way. i admired that. almost immediately after tho, we stopped hanging out and even talking.. not even in class. he never told me why.

last summer, at 20, I had been seeing a guy who i got along great with. we were constantly flirting but he could tell i was hesitant so i told him about my past. he said he understood & that he’d never manipulate me like the guys in my past had done. he did exactly that. in the fall, i got a DM from a girl.. his gf of over a year saying that he played me. safe to say my trust is nearly nonexistent.

now, at almost 21, i’ve been seeing a guy for a while, going out and casually hooking up w him. he really wants to *fully* have sex w me, & as much as i want to, i can’t bring myself to go through w it every time we try. he knows my past and doesn’t try to force, but i feel like he thinks i’m pushing him away or that i’m not really interested.

i guess what i’m looking for is just some advice as my body is ready but my mind is not