I wish my mother loved me (cw)

My mom has been messaging me lately after I disappeared for three years and she's begging me to come home. I don't respond. Last thing she said was just "I love you" and it breaks my heart because I miss her and I wish I could be there to show her how to love properly.

She surely didn't love me when I was 16 and she told me she wish I died instead of my dad. Or when she found out about my self harm from a school counselor and told me to kill myself already as soon as I walked in the door. Or when she held me down by my throat, or when she slammed my 8yr old brother head into the window and cracked it.

I wish I could show her what love is. I wish we could go to therapy together and have a real relationship.

Or that I could somehow save her from her trauma so she wouldn't traumatize others.

I wish I had a mother that loved me.