Sexual abuse trauma
I was sexually abused constantly by my very first boyfriend. We dated for 4 years, everything started consensual but about a year into it then went to:
- him touching me constantly everywhere we were and me constantly telling him to stop
- him saying that if I didn’t have sex with him whenever he wanted then I didn’t love him
- then me deciding I didn’t wanna have sex anymore until I was married, him agreeing, but as soon as I fell asleep he did it anyway no matter how much I cried or screamed
I thought that each time I saw him (we were long distance) that it would be different but it never was.
Now almost 2 years after breaking up I have severe vaginal cramps randomly through the month, there’s no pattern. I also have severe back pain from what I assume was him holding me down and me trying to fight to not let it happen (I gave up and just laid there after a while). I’m scared I’ll have to deal with this kind of pain forever. I go to doctors for the pain but it always comes back right along with the depression that makes me feel worthless. I’ve been to therapy but she always wants to blame it on my parents when they weren’t even aware of the situation because I’m great at keeping secrets about my life. So I quit going to therapy and I’m just having a rough week and my body and mind hurt so bad and I can’t sleep well. I’m just such a mess right now.
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