I had my daughter a week ago today, it's a little surreal. Today was my due date, she got here a week early. Had to do an emergency c section for severe preeclampsia, the baby wasn't tolerating labor.

First of all, baby girl is wonderful and I love her more than anything, I wouldn't trade her for the world, and if I could redo things there's nothing I would change. I am so happy she's healthy and here with us, and I'm so grateful to the fantastic medical staff who helped bring her into the world. It's pretty incredible how much joy and love I can feel from this tiny person I've only just met.

At the same time, I'm feeling really off about how it happened. I'm really thankful the doctors stepped in when they did to keep both of us safe, I chose to have it happen, but every time I see the incision or feel twinges from it I just feel like something was done to me. I don't generally care about natural birth but I never wanted the surgery.

The birth was not totally a negative story, not especially traumatic in facts of what happened, but I was panicking the entire time. Like out of my mind hyperventilating while I was getting wheeled into the OR. From the point where they told me they'd have to operate I couldn't stop crying.

I don't think my labor pains were outside the norm at all, but it bad enough that the time kind of blurs together when I try to remember it. The first epidural didn't work, my husband says it was almost 2h before they could get someone else, but I honestly couldn't tell you. I remember hearing her heart rate drop on the monitor, it almost stopped. I don't think I've ever been so scared, it was like time slowed down. Before I could finish telling my husband to call a nurse in, like 4 people rushed in and started working.

I feel like I've been slow recovering. It feels like from the very first moment I saw her I can't do enough to take care of her. My husband brought her over after they took her out, all I could do was touch her cheek, I was so drugged up I couldn't lift my arms to hold her. Staying in the hospital afterward I just felt so helpless, I couldn't get out of bed by myself for a while.

He has been fantastic with taking care of her, I feel useless, I'm falling behind and missing things. She doesn't like breastfeeding 70% of the time and it doesn't work well. He already knows all her little expressions and is so much better at figuring out what she needs. Now that I can get around a bit better its not quite so bad, I can do some things, but I still can't keep up or give him enough of a break, he's been run pretty ragged staying up to take care of her and let me sleep. I just feel like such garbage, I don't deserve him and I should be pulling my weight. I know I should probably be nicer to myself than that but it's really hard to keep things in perspective right now, that feeling just keeps following me around.

Probably some ppd with all of this, I have an antidepressant that has worked up until now, and I had a therapist who is awesome but who is also on maternity leave until june. And because of covid my support network is gone and we're by ourselves, I don't want to lean on my husband more than I already am. Facetime does not cut it. I love my baby but man life is also really lonely right now.