I'm polyamourous by nature but in a monogamous relationship and?

Question

I've been with my boyfriend 9 months, he's absolutely amazing as a partner & I am very happy.
I've struggled in the past accepting that, by nature, I am polyamourous, I don't see love and romance as inherently monogamous, I don't completely understand monogamous people and how they think. I've always liked many people, but I've had mostly monogamous relationships, and I don't meet many people who feel like I do about love or jealousy. 
Anyway, when I met my boyfriend he knew I was polyamourous, he said he couldn't ever do that, and I agreed to be exclusive with him & dumped a rather upset fwb and stopped talking to people on dating sites. My boyfriend was just worth it to give up poly. I've never regretted it.
My boyfriend has been cheated on and is very jealous- but he doesn't act possessive & he trusts me completely. 
But the other day, a gal he slept with in the past texted him, and I said we could connect with people outside our relationship if he ever wanted to explore that- he said he never would because he is too jealous. 
I asked him what cheating was to him- he said he'd get mad if I flirted heavily with someone- I said I knew better than to let that happen. 
Then I said I would only flirt if he said it was ok- then he got really sad that I'd ever even want to flirt with other people? Like, this is a hypothetical scenario, no one to flirt with even exists, and of course I would eventually like other people and flirt if that was an option? I'm sure he would too? And yes, I would experience jealousy, but I think that's not a bad thing, I'd work through my feelings of inadequacy as I already am?
Help me understand. Why did this hurt him? Why is he jealous of an idea or hypothetical people? 
What does it feel like to get cheated on? 
I don't think I experience jealousy to the same intensity? 
If I loved another person, it's not as if I'd love him less? And I even gave up the ability to act on that for him because he's that great?

Answer

I think he (and most monogamous people) feels like if you could even imagine wanting to flirt with someone else, that means he isn’t enough for you. I think his point is that if he was enough for you, you wouldn’t be able to even imagine wanting to flirt with a hypothetical someone else.

Answer

Here's my best way to help you understand
You 2 are not the same people. He does not think the way you do. You do not think the way he does. That seems to be something you just don't understand. You can't assume that he'd want to flirt, just because you would. It seems like you keep thinking about how you view things, and automatically assuming he has the same thoughts, even though he's clearly expressing that he doesn't. 
It doesn't sound like he's jealous at the thought of you flirting, it sounds like he's sad about it. If my husband flirted with someone else, I wouldn't be jealous, I'd feel betrayed. 
All in all, it seems as if you have different relationship ideals, and you don't seem to understand where he's coming from with his. It also seems as if you keep trying to push him into wanting an open relationship, despite the fact it seems as if he's made it clear that he doesn't
I see this becoming an issue in the future if you aren't able to be on the same page with relationship ideals

Answer

I keep typing something out and then stopping. My opinion is that neither of you are wrong in how you feel. I think it's a clash in how you both view relationships. Poly relationships are almost taboo because no one talks about them and if people do, they think it's weird and wrong or whatever else. You may not love him any less but for someone who only wants one person in a relationship he may feel that eventually you will love him less and move on. Most people don't want to share their partner with someone else. I find poly relationships super interesting and I have tons of questions I'll save for another day. Basically I think it's a clash of relationship preferences. I think it's awesome you're willing to forgo your typical lifestyle to be with him. But maybe not being up other people even if it's a hypothetical situation? I haven't been in a situation like this. But I believe communication is so important in any relationship. As long as you both are willing and honest in how you feel things can work out for the long term. So maybe sit down with him and ask him these questions? Get a better sense of his views on the matter

Answer

I think the problem is he has been cheated on and you have two extremely different views on a relationship.
I think he got hurt because he is still afraid that he isn't enough for you. And to be honest for good reason. You said you would happily give it up, but you're trying to be someone you aren't really. Will you be happy for the rest of your life living like this?
I think he is afraid of losing you and that he isn't enough for you. He has been cheated on and you've told him you're polyamourous. That fear will probably follow him.

Answer

The best way I can explain how cheating feels is absolute betrayal.
Honestly, I don't know if you guys are compatible. You both have 2 completely different ideas of relationships. That can end up hurting someone. Unless one of you was willing to change your perspective, you might have to go separate ways. That's not a bad thing. It's an amazing thing to be 100% aware of what you both need and expect.

Answer

I don’t think he’s insecure or you’re out of line.
I think you feel differently about relationships than he does, and that part of you is incompatible.
He got upset because the notion that you would flirt if he was okay with it implies that he isn’t enough. He’s monogamous and the idea that flirting could take place, even with permission, is painful because it goes against what monogamy is - one on one. It basically says to him that you’d like to be with other people, and he was probably hoping that being with him had changed your mind about being poly. This was naive of him, but I’m not sure insecure is the right word.
You both entered this relationship knowing how the other felt. He knew you were poly and you knew he wasn’t. You’re going to have to give up a lot more than he is to make it work, which I’m sure you know.
You’re going to have to be a little more careful of and sensitive to how he feels, and he’s going to have to be more understanding of where you’re coming from. Just keep dialogue open and hopefully he’ll come around and those kind of statements won’t bother him anymore.

Answer

He just feels differently than you do about being monogamous. To you it’s not big deal and you are not trying to hurt his feelings, you’re just being yourself and that is okay. But to him it feels like you maybe don’t love him enough or the thought of you flirting with other people makes him sad because he loves you. I think it has less to do with him feeling jealous and more him feeling sad at those thoughts

I'm polyamourous by nature but in a monogamous relationship and?

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