I’m stressed

I don’t know what else to do. I’m at the brink of tears.

Story time: I moved into an apartment with my boyfriend (& 6 month old) just two months ago. We STILL haven’t managed to keep the room and place clean. The room has been trashy (clothes and toys everywhere) and I don’t think I’ve ever seen it clean. The living room: there’s clothing and nick nacks on the couch and just stuff on the floor. The kitchen is the ONLY thing that’s spotless clean (and that’s because when I clean it, I CLEAN it. )

Now here’s the thing. I’m not a messy person, I love having everything cleaned, but I have a 6 month old and I’m constantly with her. Yes my boyfriend “helps” but he half cleans. He never finishes what he starts.

Because of this mess and being quarantined, I feel so so stressed. Like screaming and yelling and crying and breaking down stressed. I have bad thoughts and ughh.

Anyway, Ever since last sunday ( a week ago) I’ve had my baby girl with me. (Boyfriend is laid off because of Covid, and he’s been home too)

Every day, I went to my moms house (the only fam member I see) I had my baby while babe gets his alone time at home. Because I KNOW HOW stressful it can get with a 6 month old constantly being at home. Well, Wednesday of last week, I asked my mom if she can Baby sit while I cleaned the house (bf was gone for about 1.5 hrs because he has therapy) so having NO kid and NO bf at home for at least that time frame really helped. I got everything done except the bedroom. Bathroom, living room, kitchen, play area were SPOTLESS. It felt good . And no, I didn’t need or want help. It was like a stress reliever to me.

Well, it’s now Sunday and like I mentioned, the place is nasty again, so I have been asking my bf if he can go visit his mom with bbgirl and he doesn’t want to. He says that I can just clean and he’ll look after her. Well here’s my problem.

1.) he “does” look after her, but only for a bit. And then he complains that he looked after her. Even though he told me he would.

2.) there’s nothing like cleaning when you have your space vs, having a nagging bf and a crying baby.

3 ) I As a mother need my space!! Ever since she was born, I have always been there for her ( like a mother should) so tell me how is it fair to me that I give him a week off from being a parent and I at least don’t get 1 hour of quiet time?!?! Ever since last week on Sunday, I have been gone literally ALL DAY at my moms house with Baby. So HE can do stuff that he wants. (Play guitar, etc) but I can’t??? Even though I’ve been begging for it because of how stressed I am.

These were some of his responses to some of these conversations:

“You’re a mother, you don’t get time off, we simply have different responsibilities.”

“I can take the dog to the park, and you stay with baby”

“ why can’t you clean when we’re here? “

I’m not asking for advice or anything, I guess I’m just writing this to rant. What I’m feeling right now is a lot of anger and sadness. I am literally in the car not wanting to do anything. I just want to sleep. & I shouldn’t even be feeling like this. I’m 23 years old, I should be full of energy. I’m not happy with my life. I’m not happy at all. Sure baby girl makes me happy, but that’s jt. I see nothing more to life than her.

Funny thing is , he’s been asking me to clean and gets mad about it. He wants me to clean, I want my space and clean. When he goes to his moms, he wants me to come, but when I go to mine, he sometimes stays home. Like bro, I can’t be with you in the same room all the time. I really do need my space.