My sister in law had a baby at 27 weeks. Poor girl's had the worst luck from the start. She struggled to get pregnant for 3 years. She finally got pregnant after almost a year of IUIs. She was due at the end of October but for the past month has been getting very swollen and uncomfortable. Eventually her pressure skyrocketed and she was admitted with pre-eclampsia. They tried to get her pressure down for a few days until she suddenly started having chest pain and her liver enzymes went dangerously high. She had to have the baby by emergency section.

Now baby is in the NICU and will be there for months. My sister is in pain and can't stand up to see into the incubator. She only sees the baby from the bottom side view. She's still horribly swollen and sick. But she's so stoic. She's keeps saying she doesn't need any help or support or deliveries (flowers/cards, etc). Due to current climate we can't visit her in the hospital, so we don't know how she's truly doing.

I'm just so sad for her and so concerned and feeling helpless. I don't know what the best thing to say or do is. So I'm asking the ladies who have gone through the micro preemie NICU experience what should I do? I don't want to upset her by doing something wrong. What not to say or do in a situation like this? When it happened to you, what did you hate and what did you like? She's too stoic to ever admit to needing anything and I feel like I'm bothering her by even suggesting it. I just want to show her we love and support her without making her upset or pestering her.

She said she doesn't want flowers or any deliveries. Has any of you said that but didn't actually mean it? Has any of you gotten upset if you got them? Please share your experiences with your preemie births. It's such a big and traumatic change and I am afraid for her mental health. I worry that she will just brush off offers of help or support and bottle her emotions up and wind up depressed down the road.

Things I have thought about doing for her:

1. Flowers to brighten her hospital room

2. Meal train

3. Virtual shower (hers was supposed to be in person in 2 months)

4. Finish her nursery for her (I'm so worried that she'll throw herself in headfirst to use it as a connection to her baby and neglect herself/overdo it in the process)

5. Gofundme to help with any potential expenses and to allow her to take time off work to heal and take care of herself.

I haven't been able to talk to her. It's only been 2 days and she's been exhausted. She's only communicated with her mom so far and once answered my husband's call. So I couldn't really run any of this by her.

I am away on a travel nursing assignment in another state right now, so I can't really do any of what I want for her. I tried running this by her mom and my husband to be basically my hands in town to do this and they pretty much said she's told them she doesn't want anything so they're reluctant to take that initiative. Her mom said she'll be eating at their house anyway or her husband will cook. I said it would be nice for her to have a selection of her favorite dishes frozen she could eat in case she didn't feel like leaving her bed to go to their house or having them come over and Cody can't be there all the time, he'll be working.

So I asked her mom if she could at least ask her next time she talks to her if it would be ok for me to start a gofundme for them. It's one thing I don't need to be in town for. She said she would but I could hear doubt in her voice. She thinks it's a great idea, but is worried Liz will be mad as she keeps saying she doesn't want to be a burden or make anyone go out of their way, she's always been very independent. But I don't know if that means she'll actually be angry at people for doing it or if she's just saying it because she always has. If you've ever been on her side of this what did you actually feel? Am I being bothersome by suggesting different ways to help?

Please give me some input ladies. Mainly I guess I just want the right things to say. Or at least the things not to say. I also have a bit of survivor's guilt going on because I on the other hand got pregnant quickly, had a beautiful pregnancy and birth and my daughter is *almost* a perfect child. I'm so sad she's had such a painful road. It also makes me feel that my lucky experience illegitimizes any concern I'm trying to express for her.

I called her and left a message saying I'm here for her if she needs anything and that we miss her and are with her in our thoughts. I know she's tired, exhausted, and overwhelmed, so I don't want to add any stress to her by saying something wrong.

Sorry about the long rant. I'm just a concerned aunt cut off from the rest of the family feeling helpless and afraid to make the wrong move. Thanks for reading and any feedback. You are all amazingly strong mamas.