It’s over

After 3 years it’s finally over. After last night my fiancé and I are done. We’ve had “rough spots” throughout our relationship, but as they became more frequent and reoccurring, especially in the past year and a half, I realized they weren’t just rough spots but instead a developing pattern of abuse. I was so in love with him I didn’t want to admit he was becoming emotionally abusive or manipulative even though I’ve seen it for months now. People don’t understand, abusive behavior doesn’t usually start suddenly, it develops over time. The person you fell in love with doesn’t disappear immediately either. That’s why I stayed. I kept hoping and telling myself it was a rough patch, he was going through something, it’d be okay. I tried to leave a few times before, but he’d threaten to keep my puppy. I found out I was pregnant (definitely unplanned) and he was surprisingly sweet and supportive at first, but then things changed and fights started happening again. One time we were driving and I was navigating and we missed a turn bc I didn’t realize the road split until too late, and he started yelling at me for this (2 minute) delay being my fault, that I couldn’t even read a GPS right, inferred it was my fault I was pregnant, that he didn’t even want the baby and wanted me to get an abortion, etc. I sat silently the entire way home just crying, and when we got home he was asking what’s for dinner and trying to be flirty and touch me and I wanted none of it. He later apologized over text for yelling.

A week later he had a work fundraiser that night and asked if I wanted to go, so I said “sure! Let me change quickly.” It took me less than two minutes to change but I come downstairs to see him already pulling out of the driveway. I ran out and was like “wait, I thought you wanted me to come!” He was like “how long does it take to change? Whatever get in” I could tell he was in a mood so it wasn’t worth discussing, so I just said “okay, let’s go” and smiled and got in. He just looked at me and was like “okay but are you going to drop the fucking attitude?” I was confused and said“I don’t have one, I’m happy to go” he was like “drop the fucking attitude or you’re not coming” I was so confused at this point, I just said “I’m sorry, I won’t have one, but I promise I’m not trying to have one now”. Then he told me thats it, get out of the car. I was like “wait, I’m sorry-“ and he just rolled up his windows so the neighbors couldn’t hear and started screaming “GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR, GET OUT!” and shoved me.

There’s two many times in the past month to name. This time though, I think it’s my fault bc I caused this. I didn’t act maturely like I should have and I should have just let him go. But you know how sometimes in fights things just seem to escalate and you don’t even feel like you’re there anymore bc it just seems surreal?

last night one of the dogs got sick and had diarrheal the bedroom while we were sleeping. We woke up and got the dogs outside, and the smell made me vomit (heightened senses). Then my fiancé just turns to me and is like “well are you going to clean it?” I asked him if he could, bc the smell already made me vomit. He said “yeah it’s awful it’s gonna make me vomit too. Can you just go clean it” I was like, “what if we do it together? It’ll go faster and won’t be so bad if we do it as a team” He was like, “no. I’m not cleaning it. If you hadn’t just stood here it would’ve been done already”. Then he literally just went to the living room and laid down on the couch, fully prepared to go to bed leaving the mess upstairs. Not to mention I had to be up in an hour and a jog for school anyways. At that point I just went up and cleaned it myself, but it was more the principle of the thing. All I could see was even if I stayed with him and we worked things out, we’d have a newborn and he’d be refusing to clean a diaper or vomit which happens way more frequently than a sick dog. I went back down and was like, “is this how you’re going to be as a parent? What just happened there is not okay. You can’t just mandate that I have to clean something. We’re supposed to be a team.” He ignored me and didn’t even open his eyes. I touched his arm to get his attention and he told me to stop talking or he was leaving. I was like “stop, we have to talk about this” and he decided that was it and he was leaving. (He threatens this often during fights, then he leaves and drives around who knows where for hours. He used to do it bc it would make me anxious and often have panic attacks.).

I know I shouldn’t have but I picked up his car keys just to try and get him to wait a minute and not run out in the middle of the night just to avoid a conversation. He told me to give him his keys and I said “no just wait a minute! Can we please just talk about this?” And he pushed me up against the counter and yelled at me to give him his keys, trying to grab my arms and twist them behind me to grab the keys. At that point I got scared and just dropped to the ground cannon ball position. I should have just given him the keys and let him go so I know it’s my fault, but it happened so fast. Next thing I know he’s on top of me, full on trying to grapple me, doing the police “knee on back of neck” thing, grabbed my jaw and pressed the pressure point on the back of it, screaming at me to give him his keys. At that point I was shut down though and more just I’m shock. This was the guy I’d gotten with in the first place bc he made me feel so safe. Now here he was, a 200 pound guy on me (123 pounds) purposefully trying to cause me pain so he can leave. I wasn’t fighting back, I didn’t want to hurt him. I just was curled up in a ball wishing none of this were happening.

Like I said, I know I shouldn’t have grabbed his keys, it was just kind of instinct - I just wanted to have the conversation and when he leaves there’s no talking when he gets back. It’s either done or a whole new even worse fight. At this point I kind of wanted to see how far he would go. After I saw he was willing to hurt me, I just kind of went numb. The pain didn’t bother me so much as the fact he was willing to cause it to get what he wanted. But I know it’s probably my fault bc I shouldn’t have even touched his keys. I just dropped them and told him to take them. My car was behind his in the driveway and he was like “are you going to move it? If not I’m going to break the window.” I was still just in shock at this point. I was like “you’re going to break the window on my car? Why? You still wouldn’t be able to move it so what good would that do you” but then he actually started looking around the house for a hammer or a crowbar to smash my window in. At that point, even though it’d be on him if he broke my window, I didn’t want to deal with any of this. I snapped out of my shock and moved my car. I wanted it to be over and I didn’t want him around me at all. He literally just had me pinned to the ground with a knee on my neck pressing a pressure point, so quite frankly I didn’t want him in the house at all.

He came back a few hours ago. I was supposed to have school today (I work full time 5 days a week and go to school one day) but I skipped it. School starts at 8 and he leaves for work at 12:30. I was scared he’d try to take my dog while I was gone, like he always threatens to do. I’ll be able to have someone watch her the rest of the week but just didn’t have enough notice today.

Now I just feel numb. I’m looking for a house today, but I feel so overwhelmed. I feel so unprepared, so broken, and after today I feel guilty bc I caused the escalation. I should have honestly been the one who told him to leave, not tried to make him stay to talk and “fix things” when it clearly wasn’t working. I also realized one person can’t make a relationship work, or fix it. If the other person isn’t going to put the effort in, recognize where they were wrong or toxic, then it doesn’t matter if the one person does. Sure it can help for personal growth, but it won’t help that relationship at all. At one point I just stopped myself and was so ashamed. This isn’t me. I was never the girl who begged anyone for their attention, for their effort. If you have to beg for it it means nothing. Lastly, I was ashamed bc I felt like I was going down to his level tonight. I didn’t know how else to make him hear me and it just added fuel to the fire.

So it’s done and over. I wish it had taken me less than 3 years to understand all this and I wish I weren’t going to be single and pregnant, but it’s the best option at this point. He breaks up with me a lot during fights and then acts like he never did later, but this time I know I’m the one who’s fully checked out. I don’t like who this is making me, and it’s not the example I want to set for my child. I’m 12 weeks pregnant now, so still early on, but I’m making this decision for us. I know it’s not ideal, but it’s more ideal than growing up potentially witnessing their own father treating their mom or even them like this. I’m 23. He was the first guy I ever loved, and now I don’t think I even know what love is bc this clearly isnt.