Starting therapy

Just a reminder to every one that is struggling, that going to therapy doesn’t make you any less of a person. This is something I had to tell myself today after an argument with my boyfriend. I deserve help. I am not a bad person. I have to put in the effort for change. I have been pushing this off for so long because I didn’t think I could be fixed, when in reality I wasn’t letting myself be fixed. I am here, and I understand what it’s like to be so lost yet certain of what you want and need in life. I’ve been suppressing my traumas and emotions for far too long and it is finally time for me to take care of myself. I already am diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, PTSD, and extreme ocd. After an argument with my boyfriend today (which was 100% my fault, I let my anxiety take over) he snapped and said I am probably bipolar as well. Now this isn’t something he was saying out of spite, he didn’t say it to be mean to me, he listed the ways I’ve been behaving lately and it’s true. I’m just so scared that I have it because my mother does and I don’t want to be anything like her. I’ve taken countless prescriptions for depression, anxiety, ocd and adhd, and they all make me feel like a zombie. I’m aware most people with bipolar HAVE to be on medication even when they feel fine, I’m scared to feel like a zombie again, but I realize my mood swings are now affecting those around me who actually care. I know I’ve needed help for a long time now, I’ve had an extremely rough/traumatizing past 5 years, it’s been one thing after another I have bottled up, trying to tell myself it’s normal, don’t over react, I can handle it myself but I can’t anymore, it’s eating away at me, and I have to do something about it. The anxiety of overturning all these stones from my past and letting the darkness crawl out and become my reality again overwhelms me. Why is it so hard to talk about things that race through my mind all day everyday? I’m sorry for rambling, I just want others who are having a hard time realizing that they are worth getting help. Time does not heal all wounds, and you are not worth less because you need help. You are worth it. You deserve it. You can do it. Well wishes to anyone else who may be silently struggling, loudly struggling with no help, and those who are currently getting help. It will get better, it will all be worth it, lovelies.