Healing after almost 6 years.

I’m 29 years old, at 23 I made the extremely difficult decision to terminate my pregnancy. I wasn’t in the best relationship and I was in no place to be financially responsible for a child. I grappled with this choice for so long, back then and to this day my dream is to be a mother one day, but I had to think of what was best for the child as well as myself and as hard as it was I don’t regret it. I was able to lead a great life and met an amazing partner after walking away from an extremely toxic relationship. Yesterday I finally told my mother, at the time I wasn’t ready and I didn’t want to burden her with my cross to bear. It brought up a lot of emotions I didn’t even think I would still feel so many years later and I felt the need to write it out. I’m posting it here for anyone who may find some comfort in knowing that they aren’t alone ❤️

5

I would have had a 5 year old in February. My life would look so different now.

Little hands and feet, a mouth to feed.

A pandemic raging.

Would I be alone?

Would your heartbeat next to mine be enough?

Would I feel as full as I thought I would be?

Would motherhood have taken to me the way I’ve always dreamed it could?

Would my love and resilience make a safe home for your head to lie...

Or would my resentment make me cold?

Little fingers and little toes.

Warm hugs and soft snuggles.

Big messes and screaming fits.

Would those sleepless nights be a quiet duet or frantic solo?

Would the hands that now hold my heart hold theirs?

So many questions left unanswered.

Things I will never know.

A heartbeat strong.

And then not at all.

I didn’t hold you long.

I didn’t love you the way you deserved to be loved.

I wasn’t strong enough then.

I wonder now if I could be, your knight in shining armor.

Will you have a brother, one who’d make you bold?

Will you have a sister, one to show you how to love?

Or will your heartbeat be the last I feel inside me?

I wasn’t your mother long,

but you will always be my baby