I was wanting to get my late partner something for Christmas.

He wanted to give me an engagement ring he had gotten me. He said he also had a special way to officially propose but our son couldn’t sit up on his own yet and it requires that. But he wanted to go ahead and give it to me since we already said we were going to get remarried. (Long history, but we worked everything out and things were great and I was so happy and he was happy too according to 99.9% of his family/friends.) I told him I wasn’t going anywhere and that he could hold onto it until he can get his “surprise” set up.

He died a week later.

Long story, shortened. His brother found the ring, gave it to his aunt, and told her not to give it to me. This was February 2019. I just found out that they lied to me about it because his brother threw a fit. They said they wanted to tell me, and give it to me, but he wouldn’t let them and then they knew I was already hurting and didn’t want to make me feel worse, but then they said that it was wrong of him and they felt they needed to tell me. I guess guilt made them speak up (and I am thankful they did) because they see I haven’t moved on in two years. I have no idea why his brother hates me.

But, I cannot change a bitter heart. As much as I’m angry with his brother, I know everyone deals with grief differently.

Anyway, the reason for me posting is, I was wanting to get my partner a Christmas gift. I was thinking since he didn’t get the chance to give me the ring, that I could buy a set, with both our initials engraved into them, and then keep one, and the other, bury a little bit under the dirt on his grave. I know, I sound crazy and creepy, but I feel like it would make his spirit feel more at peace, and also, of course, give myself some peace and have a way to be closer to him.

Also, when I say his spirit might feel more at peace, I feel like he is angry about that whole situation. The other day, I was driving to the bank, I saw a red vehicle like the blue one he had. We live in a smallish town, and I’ve always just seen black or blue ones. So I said to my son, “there’s a red car like your dads. I bet that’s a sign he’s mad and wants me to speak up about it.” I was joking kind of. Then right after I said that an ad starts on the radio about deep vein thrombosis. And how it leads to pulmonary embolism which could be fatal.

Had to be a coincidence.

I drove to the grocery store, parked in the back, and when I came back out, another red vehicle like his blue one was parked next to mine. I took a picture, because that was odd. I start the car up and guess what’s on the radio. The same DVT ad. Ok, now I’m thinking I’m crazy.

I go to walmart. As soon as I walk out of the store, a red vehicle like his blue one, was parked right in front.

Ok. I’ll take another picture because I think I’m hallucinating.

I get in the car. And I sound like I’m making this craziness up, but I start the car. And the same. Freaking. Ad. My partner died from pulmonary embolism. I recorded half of the ad. And then showed my mom to make sure i wasn’t hallucinating and on my way to a mental breakdown.

I went to Walmart again the next night because I forgot something I needed. Before I get out of the car, that ad played again. I didn’t pay attention to cars because it was dark. I got mad and said “yeah, doesn’t do me a lot of good to know what those signs are a symptom of now.” And turned off the radio.

His brother lives about an hour away, and I ran into him soon after I walked into Walmart. I’m pretty sure he laughed under his breath when he saw me. I tried to avoid him after that and went the other way. Sorry I started rambling, I just wanted to explain why I think the love of my life might like the symbolism of the rings. 😔