Lonely but not alone.

So me and my ex broke up about a year ago and we’ve been pretty consistent with each other. I still see him on the weekends and he claims he doesn’t wanna relationship. We pretty much do everything together we sleep together we eat together we even go out together but when I ask him about us he says he’s not ready for a relationship but he wants to be my friend. I’ve wasted a year waiting on him to come to his senses about us but nothing has changed in a year. When we discussed this before he told me give him until May and now that May has came around he says he’s not putting a time limit on his feelings. He says he wants to be together just not right now I told him I wasn’t getting any younger and that eventually I’m gonna want to get married and have kids. He tells me kids are not on his radar because they’re really expensive and we’re not even together and he just wants to be my friend even though he loves me and that I’m his forever girl. I can’t wrap my head around that because when people see as they’ve known us to be together so he doesn’t tell people that we’re not together in public but when we were behind closed doors I’m not his girlfriend. He has slept with other people and I have waited because I I realize we were not together. But now I’m starting to collapse under the pressure and I can’t take my mind off of this situation I am just wanting to see what we’re doing I cannot talk to anybody about this because of how toxic the relationship was when we were together. So I feel lonely in this relationship even though he says I’m not alone but I don’t have anybody to talk to and it’s really just depressing all I do is write in my journal that ass and I really don’t know what to do to move forward with my life.