Panic attack over giving birth years ago?

What just happened? Lol…

So I watched a video about a dad fainting while his wife was pushing. It was supposed to be sweet and funny.

I gave birth March 12, 2019 to my son.

I’ve never thought about it as traumatic. I actually have made light of the fact that if not for modern medicine me and my son would’ve died. I was put on pitocin and he was facing the wrong way and he was stuck in the birth canal for too long. Like how could I say that so nonchalantly before? It makes me sick. Anyway. Suddenly I thought about my body ripping open down there and I almost fainted, then I had a panic attack and my throat still feels like it’s closing. My body had an extremely physical reaction I wasn’t expecting.

Mentally I never processed it, didn’t even think I had to. I had fourth degree tearing and developed a fistula, I’ve been told if I tear like that again or even third degree I’ll need to wear adult diapers and get a colostomy bag. My nerves are already not good, if I go number 2 it’s urgent.

We’ve been trying for baby #2 for almost a year, but not getting pregnant. I really do want a second, but now I’m questioning everything. Clearly my body still feels this trauma. Otherwise why would this happen? I cry often from having a fistula, it’s embarrassing and uncomfortable at times.

My eggs are good quality, I’m healthy, and I ovulate regularly. I’ve done blood tests at the doctors. Haven’t tested my husbands semen though, but I got pregnant the first month we tried. I wonder if my body is truly rejecting getting pregnant, but I don’t know if anybody else who has had trauma down there has gone through something similar.