Monster in law? Long post

Am I being irrational or too harsh?

Posted anonymously as my SIL uses this app.

I’m sorry about the length ; I desperately needed to get it all out but If you make it to the end, thank you!

I am 8 months pregnant. My MIL has not been supportive throughout my entire pregnancy. I had awful HG (debilitating morning sickness) and she constantly compared me to her daughter (who was also expecting) and made comments about my weight, such as “my daughter is 170lbs, you look pretty thin”, “You need to eat more”, and “Are you sure baby is healthy? You seem too small to be healthy”. Eating was not the issue, throwing up 5-6x a day was.

I suspect she is on drugs and she confirmed this to my mom, but Is/has been a functioning addict aside from her extremely eccentric behavior/reactions. When I informed my husband she’d confirmed her use of fentanyl and crack to my mom, he asked what he was supposed to do. She has never openly used or admitted to us and gets livid if we inquire.

About two months ago, we found out our Little One will arrive with a unilateral (one sided) cleft lip. He has no other issues and has been otherwise 100% healthy and right on track. The cause is unknown and could be genetic but we won’t know until after baby arrives. The day after finding this out, we met and had lunch with my MIL. I was still pretty upset and shocked about the news, to say the least. I had dressed in sweatpants and a tshirt instead of dressing up as I normally do. Instantly, my MIL made some pretty nasty comments. She told me I looked as if I hadn’t been taking care of myself and acted like I was “in an abusive relationship” due to my choice of clothing. She also felt the need to “Let us know” that our baby would “look weird” and that it would “take time to get used to looking at him”. She also tried to say I had caused this in some way.

I was pretty upset by these comments and things just seem to have progressed from there. I let her know if she felt that way, she didn’t have to come around our child. My husband attempted to rationalize and defend her behavior, saying she “just says things”, “that’s just how she is” and “didn’t mean it” but I am sick of hearing this!

Fast forward a bit, we found a mama who’s baby had a very similar case to ours (the clefts both measured the same, and were even on the same side ; I will refer to her as Wendy) her baby was a few months old and we clicked instantly and have grown very close since then. I also found out that my husband had lived with their family for a while as a child, because his mother was between men. A few days ago, we got into a car accident. Someone rear ended us and jarred our transmission, bent our exhaust and frame to the point where one of the back doors wont open. I stayed in the hospital with constant contractions for 24hrs, they suspected a placental abruption (Thank god that wasn’t the case). I also had bruised, possibly fractured ribs, whiplash, and back strain. My very pregnant belly hit the steering wheel. When MIL found out we were planning to sue the at fault driver and had gotten a rental while our vehicle is being assessed and repaired, she accused us of “Nickel and dimming” and assured us we should let it go because we “weren’t injured”. She was visibly upset that we’d gotten a rental. I informed him prior to interacting with her on this day that I did not want to go around her and he insisted, asking why I was “doing that”.

A few days ago, following the accident, we had our baby shower.

Wendy and her beautiful little boy came to show us support and help set up. We did a late night diaper game where the guests were supposed to write funny/encouraging messages on diapers for midnight changes. MIL wrote things like “I’m crying because I’m alive”, “Pray for me”, and “I wouldn’t poop if you didn’t feed me”, which was off putting to say the least. Anytime my name was brought up, she instantly changed the subject. She even took it upon herself to tell Wendy that my husband was “freaked out” upon learning our baby’s condition, and some other things, even though these things were never said to her and were clearly HER feelings, not my husbands. Following the shower, she messaged Wendy and thanked her for “being supportive of (insert my husbands name)”. Which made me incredibly uncomfortable as she hasn’t and continues to be uninclusive and unsupportive of me. My husband and I have been together since we were 11 and 12 and have a now 5 yo. He once called her a ‘fart’ in a joking manner and she responded by tossing a cup of water in my then 3 year old’s face. We did not go around her for months following this incident, but my husband insisted it was his mother and I had to essentially “get over it”, as I couldn’t stay away from her forever.

I also spent several hours doing her taxes this year and asked that she compensate me in some way and she accused me of ‘trying to make a quick buck’ off her, even though a regular place would’ve charged her upwards of $500 to do this and it took several hours out of my already busy day. I had asked for $100 and she was getting a $4,000 refund. She has never been fond of me and was upset when she found out we were trying for our baby, and asked for a DNA test for both children, to which I responded I’d be glad to give if she was willing to come out of her own pocket for.

She shows up & comes in our home unannounced (She lives right down the road). On one of these occasions I was naked and could hear her coming up the steps to our bedroom, unannounced and uninvited. I informed her I was naked and she mocked me, saying “oooh no, I’m naked” in a Whiney voice that was supposed to be my own. She calls all hours of the night to “check in” on my husband, notify him of things and ask favors. For example, she called us both a combination of 6x after we got home following the car accident at 4am to ask my husband to feed her dogs, as she was sleeping over at her boyfriends. He declined, of course. We’d gotten home that afternoon and I couldn’t go back to sleep for a few hours after she’d woken us up which annoyed me greatly.

I have left more than a few details/instances out and have included the most bothersome incidents. This is just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. I am feeling deep resentment following her initial comments about my unborn child’s cleft, and have decided I do not want to be around her until she changes her behavior. This upset my husband because that is his mother, and my mom isn’t too great either, though she has been nothing but supportive. He says I can’t avoid her “forever” because that is his mom. I told him if he wants to see her, he is more than welcome to but myself and my children will no longer be subject to her erratic behavior, which upset him greatly. He says I can “take a short break” from her but cannot avoid her forever. How do I get him to understand my point of view here? I refuse to stay silent to keep the peace any longer and will be standing my ground and distancing myself until she changes and boundaries are set and maintained. He has agreed to this, but maintains I cannot stay away forever. I don’t feel like he gets the entirety of the situation and when we spoke about my not wanting to interact or be around his mother, he brought up the fact that I gave my mom a $1000 car (she was supposed to pay and lost her job due to covid) and insists she is “just as bad” and if his mom can’t come around, mine shouldn’t either. Although my mom would (and has) gotten over on us several times, she has always been incredibly accepting and supportive of both him and our children. I don’t feel as if it’s the same what so ever. How do I let him know I won’t be compromising on this matter? I will not cut my mom off because his is crazy as f***, no matter how unfair it may seem to him.

When my new baby arrives, I will be asking her to leave when she shows up unannounced and will not be accepting visitors to our home or the hospital unless invited for the first few weeks. I have informed my husband I would not like her to be invited for atleast a week, as she is emotionally and mentally draining and only considers herself.

If you’ve gotten this far, thank you! I am here to ask if I am being unreasonable or too harsh? Have you ever dealt with anything like this and how do I make my stance clear to my husband?